Sparkly Wings

Tatum said: "Mom, I think Jersey has sparkly wings; sparkly wings, a sparkly crown, and a sparkly dress."

I absolutely agree.

No One Wants Adversity

"It is so hard when sincere prayer about something we desire very much is not answered the way we want. It is especially difficult when the Lord answers no to that which is worthy and would give us great joy and happiness. Whether it be overcoming illness or loneliness, recovery of a wayward child, coping with a handicap, or seeking continuing life for a dear one who is slipping away, it seems so reasonable and so consistent with our happiness to have a favorable answer. It is hard to understand why our exercise of deep and sincere faith from an obedient life does not bring the desired result. No one wants adversity. Trials, disappointments, sadness, and heartache come to us from two basically different sources. Those who transgress the laws of God will always have those challenges. The other reason for adversity is to accomplish the Lord's own purposes in our life that we may receive the refinement that comes from testing. It is vitally important for each of us to identify from which of these two sources come our trials and challenges, for the corrective action is very different."Richard G. Scott, "Trust in the Lord," Ensign, Nov. 1995

Tatum and Marriage

The conversation between Chris and Tatum over breakfast:

Tatum: "Hey Dad, guess what. There's a boy at my school named Brody and I wanted to marry him but Emma went to his house and said he picked his nose and then he wiped it on his shoulder so now I don't think I'm going to marry him. I guess I'm going to marry AJ."

A Father's Grief

A Father's Grief

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Eileen Knight Hagemeister

Angel Jake

Jersey has a new friend in Heaven who earned his angel wings, sweet baby Jake received his wings yesterday. Because we've been there and we know his parents are hurting please, please keep this sweet family in your prayers; they need ALL they can get.

A Conversation With Tuck

Tucker requested help from Chris while going to the bathroom. Here's their conversation:

Tuck: "What's that brown stuff?"
Chris: "Well, that's poop."
Tuck: "Nu-huh. Why does it look different?"
Chris: "That's diarrhea."
Tuck: "Diarrhea? That's awesome!"

There ya have it!

Poem

Go ahead and mention my child,

The one that died, you know.

Don't worry about hurting me further.

The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry.

I'm already crying inside.

Help me to heal by releasing

The tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,

Pretending she didn't exist.

I'd rather you mention my child,

Knowing that she has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.

I say "pretty good" or "fine".

But healing is something ongoing

I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~

One Month

It's been one whole month, feels like a year. I wonder how it will feel when it's been a year, when I should have a funny, cuddly, wobbly, happy toddler; when we should be celebrating her first birthday; when we should be cheering her for taking her first steps. The numbness is wearing off and left in it's place is frustration, jealousy, and anger. Sounds ugly and feels ugly and I don't care.

The rotten thing about grief is everybody does it differently and goes through the different steps at different times. It's lonely, it's frustrating, and it's hard to be patient. I have amazing friends; there are many who are concerned about me and willing to do anything for me and for that I am grateful. I have very few friends, thankfully, who can empathize.

Over the last few weeks I've noticed the blondies' make believe change. Every time they play house somebody is dying or dead or killed. It always seems to revolve around death. They have been stripped of a little innocence at their tender age.

I don't really have anything to say. I feel lonely. Upset. Unmotivated. Frustrated. Impatient. I want Jersey in my arms now, not later.

There were 3 babies blessed at church today, there should have been 4.