Friday, March 6, 2009

Two Months

Wednesday marked 2 months since Jersey earned her wings. I say earned because she definitely worked hard and earned those sparkly wings! It's gone so quickly, I remember the 6 weeks we had her seemed like years. I'd often times wonder why my body hurt or why I was so tired and then it'd dawn on me: I JUST had a baby. Thankfully these last 8 weeks have not crept but flown.

It's been quite the roller coaster, much different from the hospital roller coaster but a roller coaster all the same. It's interesting how different things affect my emotions so tremendously. Unfortunately there have been several heart babies who have recently earned their wings or have been born and had surgeries. On those days I am brought back to Jersey's day and I seem to experience all those emotions again. It's no fun. Chris and I recently visited some of these little soldiers at St. Joe's and the smells brought back vivid memories. As much as I absolutely do not envy those with heart babies I can't help but envy them. After all, they have their sweet heart.


I feel like my whole world revolves around her. My recent friends, impatience, sleepless nights, weight, mood, thoughts, future plans, all are because of her. Every thought, every dream, everything has Jersey in it.

Sadly I've pulled away from my friends and family, those who love me most and do the most for me. I'm often invited to do fun things, go on outings, and most times I decline. Not because I'm to busy or because it wouldn't be fun but because it takes energy; I don't have any energy. We are still being served in so many ways and I've been so rotten at thanking our friends. Saying thank you doesn't express how grateful I am but I can't seem to muster up the brain energy to remember to say thank you. I can't seem to remember anything. I hope I don't offend. Many days I walk around in a daze needing to do something on my huge to do list but I can't find a place to start. Frustrating.

Few things have brought my mind comfort, the one thing that helps give me peace is she doesn't hurt any more; she is free from her broken body. She can take deep breaths on her own and smile because it doesn't hurt. I don't have to see her wince or stare at her black tootsies or wonder what her life holds. I know she is well taken care of, free from any health struggle. I don't feel sad for her, I only feel sad for my family and I. She is lucky her road was short, she really is. And we are lucky to have her. Our time with her wasn't long enough, much to short and painful but I'm counting on the Lord's promise that everything will be given back ten fold. It's only fare.

The one thing that really upsets me more than anything else, that really is unfair and hurtful and almost makes me angry: why haven't I had an experience with her yet? Why haven't I undeniably felt her? Why have others and not me? I'm her mother, I grew her, I would do anything for her. Am I not righteous enough? Am I not having a hard enough time? Haven't I sacrificed enough to warrant such an experience? Impatient, perhaps but I feel it's a right I am entitled to. Maybe I'm too demanding, too expecting, ungrateful, but seriously, WHY? Surely she is close and aware. Maybe I'm just grouchy or maybe I'm a mommy who is lonely for her girlie.

35 comments:

Jen Olson Brown said...

Thank you so much for writing all this down. It helps us all see into your life and remember the darling little girl you let us be a part of. We all love you. I am so sorry you haven't had an experience like you mentioned. If I could "order" you one I would. I am so sorry.

The Millirons said...

I am right there with you. I have felt so tired lately and I can't seem to get enough sleep. there are somedays I just want to yell at everyone that I JUST lost my Baby. I guess I expect them to understand why I am not ALWAYS chipper and why I am not always in the mood to laugh and have a good time. Sometimes I just want to sit in silence and think about Ellie. Other people don't really understand that. Also, people seem to forget that even after seven weeks ( eight for you ) my hormones are still going nuts. My body is still trying to go back to normal. I am still healing.

I pray that you will have the experience you are longing for. I had a small dream about Ellie, but I never saw her face or heard her voice. That is something I long for so badly. I just want to see what she would have looked like and what her little smile would have looked like. I agree with you - I am her MOM. Don't I deserve that ?

Kim said...

Oh Heidi, I am so sorry for everything you are feeling. I wish there were something I or anyone could do to speed up this process for you. Unfortunately grief has it's own timeline, and it's different for everyone.

I love you. You are in my prayers daily and my thoughts often.

Hugs to you all.

Maren said...

Heidi, I hardly know what to say. I know nothing I say will take your pain away. The one thing that I thought of when I read this post was pray. Pray to Heavenly Father. Let him know your feelings, just like you write in your posts. He knows. He understands completely. I know you will have those experiences that you long for and probably when you least expect them.

I love you so much Heidi and continue to pray for you and your family. I thought about you all day on the 5th! Hang in there and lets use our movie tickets soon!

jill said...

I'm sorry Heidi. Just keep praying like you always do and hopefully you will have the experience Heavenly Father wants you to have.

I keep a picture of Jersey on our fridge. I'm glad I get to be reminded of her everyday.

Tanner, Avery, Benson, and Bela said...

Heidi, I will add this desire of yours to my prayers...Don't know what else to do to help. I agree, you DESERVE it. I know it will come..

brooke said...

everytime i use that hand sanitizer from the hospital it takes me back to visiting her in the hospital... crazy how something so simple as the smell of hand sanitizer can stir up so many memories and emotions! i love it, i put it on all the time so i can be taken back. i miss her too- i can't even imagine what you're feeling but you are so strong and such a good example to us all. hang in there. xoxo

The Galvan Family said...

Heidi I am so glad that you came to the park the other day. I am sure Tatum & Tucker loved hangin out with their friends too! Thanks for the sweet words you write in your blog- you are such an example to me daily! I am sure Jersey is SO proud to be a part of your special family.

The Allen's said...

Heidi I wondered this about my mom a lot. I remember going to Jeannie's once and her saying I felt like your mom wanted me to give you a hug, or someone else would tell me things that they had had happen with her and it frustrated me a lot, because I felt like I have had a really rough road with coming to grips with losing her. I just had, about a year ago, the first experience where I felt her and I knew she was talking to me. it is hard to put in words on a blog but i would love to share it with you sometime. I am sorry that you and your sweet family are hurting. I wish I could do something to help take away even a little bit of the pain you feel and the effects of what losing Jersey does on a daily basis. You are wonderful and even though two months seems long it takes longer to heal those spots in our heart where love seems to have been taken away. Even if we know it isn't, sometimes it feels that way. I know this probably came out all wrong, but I just want you to know I love you and think about you everyday and I couldn't let my lack of expressing myself right give me a reason not tell you again. We are praying for you and are grateful for the strength you have. love you tons.

The Bostock Fam said...

Hi Heidi, I am so sorry sweetie. One of my best friends lost her baby this last summer and one thing that gave and stills gives her comfort is that she was told that your children that have passes on will attend every family prayer. she takes great comfort in know that. I hope this helps a little.

The other thing is she is I am sure a very busy women. she was called home for a great work and I know that she is hoping that if anyone will understand it's her momma! Just like you said we take the ones we love the most for granted. I know she is aware of you and your feelings and does not want to hurt you. I know that your time will come. She is your daughter and she longs to tell you everything .

Mandi said...

Heidi, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can't even begin to imagine your agony. I know this can't compare with you, but there are times when I just ache for my dad so much that it's like I can't even breathe for a minute. To just think of the things I would have done differently, if only... What I wouldn't give to walk into his house and just one more time hear him say "Well Mandi Jane! Hello Sis!" To give him one last hug and tell him that I love him. I sometimes imagine that maybe he's there. Sometimes when I am thinking about him I am almost scared to look up because maybe he is there and if I look up that he will go away, but then I do look up hoping so much that I am right, and then he isn't there and I just feel lonely. It's frustrating because I feel more pain about not having him now, then I did when it all happened. The hard thing is that I feel that way and sometimes I just want to talk about it, but I just can't seem to bring it up because everyone else has moved on with their lives and has forgotten that just 3 months ago my dad died. I can totally understand since he wasn't their dad, but it still hurts. When I feel that way sometimes, I think about you and can't imagine how you can keep going. I am so so very sorry. You shouldn't ever feel like you need to be thanking people or that you are a horrible friend. You are strong and you have been through any parents worst nightmare. You have every right to feel the way you feel, I only wish that you didn't have to. I love you Heidi.

Shauntae said...

Heidi,

I am so sorry about your precious loss. My daughter passed away from a heart defect on Jan. 30th, it was a Friday. I hate Fridays now. I too have withdrawn from family and friends because it seems no one I know has ever experienced what I have. She is our precious first born daughter and I am so lost without her. I do not have a blog but my friend updated her blog on www. happyheartsblog.com. She too is a heart mom and was there with me through it all.

We experienced the horrors of ECMO, blood transfusions, and pokes and probes. In the end I believe God said that is enough time to come home Kaitlyn. I too take solace in knowing she is no longer in pain. Our family is the only one in pain now. Well I don't know if I am much help, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. We are experiencing everyone's worst nighmare. I hate when people say that because it is so true. Feel free to contact me if you want to chat sometime.


Shauntae

Dennison Family said...

I love you, Heidi. You will never know what a source of strength you have been for me. You always tell me my feelings are normal and ok, so I am telling you, your feelings are normal and ok and I love you for it! I haven't had any experiences with Jake either, in fact, I haven't had hardly any spiritual experiences since he died, and it is really hard. I think I was on such a spiritual high in the hospital that it is now really hard to have that same spirit. It is really frustrating. Call me!!

DeANNA said...

Wow, what an emotionally raw post for you.

I have to say that just the simple fact that you posted this shows what a strong woman you really are, even if you are not feeling it.

I just wanted to share a quick story that is similar to your why am I not feeling her... feeling.

My cousin was an Omaha PD officer who was killed in the line of duty. For the longest time, my uncle, who was also a cop was angry, sad, mad, hurt, questioning... everything you are feeling. So many people told him how they felt Jimbo's touch or spirit or presence at this time or that time, after he was gone.

It finally took him letting it all go to God for Jimbo to visit hime one night. He felt his presence, he saw him, they talked and they hugged and he was convinced that Jimbo was in a better place and all was right. It took months for it to happen but when it finally did, there was peace and understanding.

While it probably does not help you much, I hope that you find that peace and presence soon!

The G Fam said...

Heidi,
I am sorry for your pain. I know the pain all too well, and your words bring back the memories of after. I think with Lilly, I felt her undeniably about 4 or 5 months after, when I believe that the intense prayers had stopped in our behalf, and I was pregnant with Ryker. It was honestly after Mike and I had had a little fight. The second time was the night before we found out about Ryker having a heart condition. I think the reason I have felt them so close lately is because our family is hopefully about to grow, and if I could not feel that peace I'm not sure I could function, and maybe also because now there is two. It seemed like forever that I was able to feel them around me. I know she is there for you. I know that there will come a time that she will come and you will recognize it. I know that during some of the points in my life when I could not feel them, that they most likely were around, there was just some reason I did not feel them. I wish you could have her in your arms. I always think of the song "One More Time" that sings "one more day, one more time", because I am forever wishing for one more day with my precious angels. You guys really are so special and always in our hearts and prayers.
Emily and Mike

Sabrina said...

Hi Heidi,
I jumped on your blog just before your sweet angel earned her wings. I just want to let you know-though I am a complete stranger I think of you and your family often. I'm praying for you all. Praying that you'll all breath deep and laugh soon. And I have to agree, as a heart mama the sanitizer smell of the PICU-it can practically bring me to my knees.
Blessings from New Hampshire~

Nichols Family said...

Again, thanks for sharing. I am so glad we got to hang out the other day. I've missed you. But I am understanding of the fact that you aren't always in the mood to be super social. I wouldn't either. It does mean a lot that I got to visit and catch up with you though! I pray you are blessed with the tender mercy you need at this time. Hugs and Prayers times a million!

lundgrenville said...

Oh Heidi-
I have many thoughts to share and hope that your heart will be filled with nothing but love.
I can only imagine the pain you feel and the debt you deserve of having a spiritual experience or rather moment with your Jersey that you painfully long for.
Your an amazing daughter of God! I hope and pray that you believe that in your heart. Heavenly Father loves all of His children Heidi...and although your pain is more than I can comprehend...I believe that many experiences lie ahead. You will have sacred experiences that no one else will! You will!! I believe that. Jersey is yours...yes, you deserve to have all the rewards and gifts there is to be had.
I havent suffered your loss...but I do know the Lord is in charge. I have often wondered why we experience such heartache and challenges...but its those experiences that strengthen our souls. Our spirituality is the soil and nourishment that allow us to blossom. Perhaps those experiences that you may have with your sweet baby Jersey will be when spiritually you need them. Only the Lord knows when that time is! I wish we could fast forward ahead...so that we can get a head start on what completes our lives...but we cant. We have to fall...learn...sin....repent.......grow and blossom...and then the rewards come..! And when they come, they will be powerful and we will experience a glimpse of heaven. I have faith that the Lord will carry you...! I have faith and know that you will have those experiences of the desires of your heart.
Know that we care and love for you. You are in our constant thoughts and prayers...
Have faith! It may not come as soon as you deserve and would hope for....but it will come! Beieve sister!! Believe!! In the meantime, Goodnight Gracie...Jersey...Jake...and all you Angel spirits!

Morris Mama said...

Hey Heidi, we always pray that you and your family will have peace and comfort.

Don't feel bad about not always being in the best mood or not wanting to hang out with other people. You are allowed to feel the way you want to and nobody should tell you different. The only person who truly knows how you feel is Christ.

I've never experienced what you are going through but I know that in times of trial and sadness, I love to go to the temple. All my troubles seem to lessen when I'm inside. And I really feel my prayers being heard while I am there. I'd bet you have been going there a lot recently but we all should go together sometime. And maybe a little In n Out Burger afterward??? Thanks for your post,
Alys

Kippy said...

Heidi you are so good at expressing your feelings and thoughts. I am still thinking of you often and will keep in my prayers that you can feel your sweet Jersey close. Lots of love.

Jamilyn said...

We have not met but I am Garrett Hancocks Neice and I saw your link on my cousin Jessicas (baby lewis) page. I lost my son almost 8 years ago and not a day goes by I dont think of him, I just wanted to share a little something someone from the Hospital gave me the day I had to let him go. Its called Oh Mother, my Mother :
Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears
invisible fingers
soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often
in the day, in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am.. in your heart
in your soul, I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly
of yourself.
Inside of you, you created
such a world for me
a world of laughter, of love
of sadness, of sorrow
every emotion people come to know
you shared with me.
And even though I may never
feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby, sining me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven already protecting me
nurturing me
preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey
of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on
to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision
I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are:
I will always remember
that yours was the first love
the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know
you gave me the courage to
go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same for you
Your heart beat will always
call me to you.
Love, Your Child

I just wanted to share that with you when I heard you lost your little angel, I used to read this everyday after my son was gone and I hope you dont mind me sharing it with you.

The Glenns said...

Heidi, maybe you don't need to feel her. It's a gift that you know she is there, real, safe, happy. I doubt most moms like you even have that. I appreciate your sweet thoughts. It is still heartbreaking to see you so sad. It has to get better.

Kunz Family said...

Heidi, I don't think it ever gets "better." It changes. It gets different. The "fog" comes and goes, but it is always near. There are good times when you feel like you can do more than just get out of bed. Thank goodness for our other children to help us do that. Otherwise, there would be no point. Time doesn't always "heal" a broken heart, but it helps to make the hurt not so deep, so tangible, so crippling. Do what is best for you right now. Don't worry about offending others, hopefully they understand. I'm here if you need me. I feel like a "veteran." It has been 9 months tomorrow. I can't believe I am actually still here, walking and talking, and yes, occasionally laughing. Thinking of you.

Cyn said...

Something you may be interested in. http://chdquilt.org/index.html
Don't give up on your "experience". I had to wait many years for just one, but it was well worth the wait.

rn4kids said...

Heidi & Chris: I just wanted to let you know that I think of you, Jersey and your family often. You are and will always be in my heart and my prayers. Someone said to me recently, "the only way thru it is thru it". How true, but also how relative. I cannot imagine your pain, and cannot help but feel guilty when I complain about relatively inconsequential things in my own life. I have noticed something, almost a phenomenon, especially recently and I wanted to tell you about it. And that is, simply, how amazing you all are!!! And, by "you all", I mean the very special parents of our precious little heart babies (you know who you are)... The way you rally around and support eachother even the face of your own trials and incomprehensible grief, is something I have been witness to so many times in the past few months. I cannot tell you what it means to watch you all visit, teach and give to eachother. A lot of you know eachother, but you have not stopped there. You go out of your way to meet, welcome and empathize with other newer parents. I have seen so many beautiful gifts of love and friendship between all of you. I go home each night and am in awe at how one life touches the next!!! No matter how stressful the day, I thank God for all of the wonderful people and families who have not only touched those lives around our unit, but who have also touched mine in ways I cannot really begin to explain. I have to say it again... you are amazing people. You may feel weak at times, but I only see strength. You may think you have not thanked people enough or been there for them, but you have "paid it forward" more than you probably realize. Just setting foot in our unit is a testament to that!!! I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you have comforted and been such a gift to others. I hope you also know how honored I am to know you and to care for these truly special children. Please keep in touch and always know that I, among so many others, am here if you need anything or just want to talk.
Kim Jackson

Amy Jo said...

Heidi, I want you to know how much you inspire me. You have carried yourself through this trial with such grace and strength and have taught me so much from silently watching you. I'm glad we got to spend some time together today visiting Baby Lewis, thanks for coming with me.

The Albertson Family said...

I am always thinking of you Heidi. You express the great pain you have gone through, it makes my heart hurt for you and your sweet family. I will pray that you find peace in your life. I hope you can find the strength to force yourself to get out with the friends and family that do love you so much. I am forever changed as a nurse since I met you and took care of your sweet angel baby Jersey. Please take comfort knowing that she is not suffering anymore, she is happy and free in heaven. Love, Kelli

The Simmons Family said...

We're praying that you feel those same experiences with Jersey. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how I would greive. I think about it, because it could be a reality of ours at anytime with Owen. My heart just aches for you. I wish I had advice or words to make it better.

We're praying for you!!!!!!!

The Shelley Family said...

I happened upon your blog through other "heart babies" blogs...including Gracie Gledhill.
My heart aches for you! I think the things u are feeling are completely normal and part of grieving. You are so brave to write them down! U just may be the saving grace for someone who is feeling the way you are..and who feels all alone. I am so sorry that you are having to grieve and that your arms ache to hold your baby! It has nothing to do with how "righteous" you are to have a visit from your sweet baby. I wish so badly that u could get the peace that you so desperately need! I used to pray for answers when i felt something was unfair..or when a loved one was taken too soon...but when I prayed for peace...I DID receive the peace that I needed. It didn't come in the timeframe that I wanted..but when it did come I was so grateful! I will keep you in my prayers...I hope u will have some energy soon..but u are dealing with postpartum AND grief. If you dont get feeling "better" soon please talk to your dr..maybe they can help you through this time with a little medication?
((HUGS)) I hope that nothing I said made this harder...or that it was hurtful...I ache for you..no mother should have to lose a child.

lundgrenville said...

I have been thinking a lot about you too...everyday! How are you?!
Thank you for your sweet comments..they were much needed, and yes we need to get together again.
I hope you are having a positive day today...filled with love! :)
Hugs-
Ps. Did you get my email...?

Karen said...

Heidi,
I have been looking for a way to get ahold of you and finally found you. I have been thinking about you and your family. I pray you will get the comfort you need.

The McKnights said...

I always look foward to a new post from you. It's so impossible to try and understand why we can't have spiritual experiences or encounters when we want and ned them so badly! My mom's father has been gone since I was 7 and she has only ever had 2 experiences with him to this day. It's the strangest thing. We can't see the bigger picture but without a doubt she is watching over you and with you always. I will keep this special request of yours in my prayers.

The Kemptons said...

I love you Heidi.

lundgrenville said...

Heidi-
Just thinking about you today!
Hugs-

Jamie Y said...

Thanks for sharing all your candid thoughts...you definately have a right to feel the way you do and I hope that you're able to "feel" her soon. You deserve that more than anything! Love ya!