Wednesday marked 2 months since Jersey earned her wings. I say earned because she definitely worked hard and earned those sparkly wings! It's gone so quickly, I remember the 6 weeks we had her seemed like years. I'd often times wonder why my body hurt or why I was so tired and then it'd dawn on me: I JUST had a baby. Thankfully these last 8 weeks have not crept but flown.
It's been quite the roller coaster, much different from the hospital roller coaster but a roller coaster all the same. It's interesting how different things affect my emotions so tremendously. Unfortunately there have been several heart babies who have recently earned their wings or have been born and had surgeries. On those days I am brought back to Jersey's day and I seem to experience all those emotions again. It's no fun. Chris and I recently visited some of these little soldiers at St. Joe's and the smells brought back vivid memories. As much as I absolutely do not envy those with heart babies I can't help but envy them. After all, they have their sweet heart.
I feel like my whole world revolves around her. My recent friends, impatience, sleepless nights, weight, mood, thoughts, future plans, all are because of her. Every thought, every dream, everything has Jersey in it.
Sadly I've pulled away from my friends and family, those who love me most and do the most for me. I'm often invited to do fun things, go on outings, and most times I decline. Not because I'm to busy or because it wouldn't be fun but because it takes energy; I don't have any energy. We are still being served in so many ways and I've been so rotten at thanking our friends. Saying thank you doesn't express how grateful I am but I can't seem to muster up the brain energy to remember to say thank you. I can't seem to remember anything. I hope I don't offend. Many days I walk around in a daze needing to do something on my huge to do list but I can't find a place to start. Frustrating.
Few things have brought my mind comfort, the one thing that helps give me peace is she doesn't hurt any more; she is free from her broken body. She can take deep breaths on her own and smile because it doesn't hurt. I don't have to see her wince or stare at her black tootsies or wonder what her life holds. I know she is well taken care of, free from any health struggle. I don't feel sad for her, I only feel sad for my family and I. She is lucky her road was short, she really is. And we are lucky to have her. Our time with her wasn't long enough, much to short and painful but I'm counting on the Lord's promise that everything will be given back ten fold. It's only fare.
The one thing that really upsets me more than anything else, that really is unfair and hurtful and almost makes me angry: why haven't I had an experience with her yet? Why haven't I undeniably felt her? Why have others and not me? I'm her mother, I grew her, I would do anything for her. Am I not righteous enough? Am I not having a hard enough time? Haven't I sacrificed enough to warrant such an experience? Impatient, perhaps but I feel it's a right I am entitled to. Maybe I'm too demanding, too expecting, ungrateful, but seriously, WHY? Surely she is close and aware. Maybe I'm just grouchy or maybe I'm a mommy who is lonely for her girlie.