One Year

Dearest Jersey,

I can hardly believe you would be one. It's been one whole year since I first laid eyes on you, my monkey-haired princess. So little and fuzzy; you had great shoulder fuzz that I imagined smoothing down and then messing up again while I held you. You had a mouth like Tucker's and a nose like Tatum's and that hair! Where did it come from? I remember how the doctor's made me wait 4 hours to see you, how I almost went crazy while I waited, and how I sat and cried. Who would you look like? Will you have squishy cheeks? I knew without having seen you that you were perfect and mine. MINE! I remember looking at your arm tapped up to your elbow with an IV in it and then looking at your other hand to see bruised, poked skin. I remember sobbing thinking "how could they!" but knowing perfectly well it was necessary. I remember you trying to cry and when you did there was no sound because of your ET tube, I cried even harder.

I remember the next morning the nurse asking me if I wanted to hold you. What kind of question is that? You felt SO little in my arms, like I was holding air. I couldn't say very much to you, I was working so hard to keep my emotions together. I loved every bit of those two minutes, little did I know they would be my last. I soon had to hand you over to your daddy, I had to share you but didn't want to. He was smitten.

I don't know whether or not you chose to come for such a short time but I like to think that you were so extraordinary that you were chosen for your mission because it required only the purest angel. Not just anybody. What I do know is if I chose all over again I would pick you. I would pick all the heartache, desperation, and anxiety that came along with you, you are worth it. You are worth every tear drop, all the heart break, and all the missing.

So today when we would be celebrating your many accomplishments throughout the year instead we will celebrate all the beauty and perfection you represent. All the goodness and joy. We will celebrate how healthy you are now and how good it feels to know you are well. We will celebrate the fact that you are ours forever. There aren't many things that I KNOW but I do KNOW I will have you again, forever this time.

Love and miss you,

Mommy

Jersey's Party

It couldn't have been a more lovely day to have Jersey's party. It was a bright sunny day and a perfect temperature with a slight breeze. This was the table that greeted our guests coming into our home.

The entry table with the party favors.

One of my favorite parts was her cake. Pink, a little bling, and oh so girly! My amazingly talented friend Mandy Rohner made this for us. She did a fabulous job!!!

My friend Alys is SO good at the details I had her help me with the decor. She did such a good job of making it pink and sweet.

I love this little girl! We also had pink cotton candy. It reminds me of a pink, fluffy cloud! Thanks Liz for all your help and making it happen!

We had an angel ornament making table. Whoever wanted to was able to make a cute, little angel for their Christmas tree. Thanks mom for all your help!

More decor. I love Jersey's pink tree. It lit up her room last December.

The pink book is my blog printed. I LOVE this book, I can't read it without crying. The white box stores her beads of courage.

The food spread before all the desserts arrived. Thank you Crystal for helping me make and plan. And thank you girls for making such delicious desserts!

We decided to make survival kits for the parents at St. Joe's and asked for donations in order to do so. Here's the mountain of donations, I'm SO excited! We had toothpaste, tooth brushes, socks, razors, shaving cream, chapstick, deodorant, lotion, shampoo and conditioner, and several other things. Thank you for your generosity!!

We over looked the family photos so here's our last attempt.




It was a happy day where no tears were allowed. It was fun to look over the sea of pink shirts and accessories. We appreciate our many friends and families who celebrated our Jersey and who continue to love and support us.

Jersey's Birthday Party

Consider this a personal invitation to Jersey's birthday. I can't believe it's already been a year! Click on the invite to view the details; if you are interested and need directions my e-mail is provided. Her actual birthday is the 25th but we're celebrating early. It'll be a HAPPY day, hopefully with few tears, and many people we LOVE and appreciate!

Happy Halloween!

An angel and a Wolverine, you would've thought they were dressing according to personality! :) Here they are in all their glory.

It takes a STRONG dude to be an X-men and that is exactly what Tucker is, can't you tell? He salivated over this costume at the store and could not rest until it was his. He means business in his costume and will gladly beat you up!

Tatum had known for months she would be an angel, simple as that. She decided she would dress up as Jersey, not just any old angel but HER angel. My fabulous and crafty friend Alys was a major help with her costume. It turned out really sweet and sparkly, fit for an angel!

Her shoes.

We had an unexpected visitor and we were thrilled. Nonnie surprised us all decked out as a clown. The blondies LOVED it! Her and Papa even went trick-or-treating with us!

Here Chris and I are with Wolverine and the angel...I mean Jersey.

Trick-or-treating was fun but the blondies tired much sooner than I expected. Tuck wanted to be held and we ended carrying their candy bags half way through. When I was young I remember walking ALL night, running sometimes, to get more candy than last year. I decided that next year we'll go to a few houses and then I'm taking them home so I can go trick-or-treating!

A Mini Breakthrough

I had a breakthrough today, a small one, but progress none-the-less!

I was able to go to the temple today. I love the peace, quiet, calm feeling the temple affords. It's a place where I walk into and leave the world behind. Quiet voices, big smiles, and the assurance a good experience is soon to follow.

The last 11 months I've felt those same things about the temple but left feeling SO let down, disappointed, and irritated. I've expected to feel my Jersey there or catch a quick glimpse. I know it's without question the one for sure place she can be. An atmosphere that permits such a heavenly experience. I would sit in the celestial room anticipating SOMETHING! I felt, and still do, I DESERVE it. I would spend my time looking around for her, not wanting anybody to sit next to me for fear Jersey would have to move should she be there. But every time I got nothing. No visit. No vision. No voice. NOTHING! I felt disappointment, anxiety, let-down, and angry!

Like I said, I went today and for the first time since she died I didn't have her on my agenda. I didn't expect anything, just the peace the temple has to offer. And no she didn't show up or whisper in my ear but being rid of the demanding, expecting attitude felt SO good. I'm not sure why today was so different but it was and it felt nice.

Pumpkin Carving

I thought surely this would be the year that the blondies FINALLY embraced the pumpkin guts. The slim, the sticky guts, ALL that comes with pumpkin carving. I was wrong. Tuck would have nothing to do with the gutting, he was all about the knife. I was up to my elbows in pumpkin guts while he busied himself stabbing and poking the lid with the knife.

Tatum, on the other hand, stuck her princess hands in her pumpkin and ripped out the guts. It was a proud moment. She couldn't help but make faces which we laughed at.

Ta-Dah! Don't they look SO different? Tatum's is on the left and Tucker's is on the right. They picked what they wanted and insisted they looked very different.