Tuesday, November 3, 2009

A Mini Breakthrough

I had a breakthrough today, a small one, but progress none-the-less!

I was able to go to the temple today. I love the peace, quiet, calm feeling the temple affords. It's a place where I walk into and leave the world behind. Quiet voices, big smiles, and the assurance a good experience is soon to follow.

The last 11 months I've felt those same things about the temple but left feeling SO let down, disappointed, and irritated. I've expected to feel my Jersey there or catch a quick glimpse. I know it's without question the one for sure place she can be. An atmosphere that permits such a heavenly experience. I would sit in the celestial room anticipating SOMETHING! I felt, and still do, I DESERVE it. I would spend my time looking around for her, not wanting anybody to sit next to me for fear Jersey would have to move should she be there. But every time I got nothing. No visit. No vision. No voice. NOTHING! I felt disappointment, anxiety, let-down, and angry!

Like I said, I went today and for the first time since she died I didn't have her on my agenda. I didn't expect anything, just the peace the temple has to offer. And no she didn't show up or whisper in my ear but being rid of the demanding, expecting attitude felt SO good. I'm not sure why today was so different but it was and it felt nice.


The Glenns said...

I love your honesty.

Some people don't need to see or feel anything. You probably don't need that either.

I have had some really great experiences there relating to my children, mostly of those to come.

Go often. It's only about 1 out of 10 times that I have a really great experience there.....some kind of relelation. Go as much as you can and I promise you, you will find what you are looking for there.


Tyler and Kami said...

I am SO happy I am not the only one who feels this way. I have this " I went through this painful experience and sacrificed so much to allow my daughter a body, so I should be blessed to see her " attitude. It's not the right type of attitude to have. Thank you so much for writing about this. I hope I can get to where you are now.

My Mom and I went to the cemetery on Sunday to see my Dad and Elizabeth. I showed her Jersey's headstone. We both thought it was beautiful and perfect for such a perfect little girl : )

Shanen said...

Oh Heidi, it's those little things that can keep you going. It is good that you recognize them. The temple is the best place to be, and you should go often. Jersey can be there, and most likely is there every time you are. I can't believe it is November already, I hope you find comfort in the coming months.

Jen Olson Brown said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel like I experienced a painful glimpse of what you live through, and now that my life is beginning to pass by regularly, I can only imagine how you get up every day, smile, and yes- go to the temple. Good job.

Mindi D said...

O Heidi. You are so strong. I am happy you felt happy there this time. :) :)

Dennison Family said...

Thanks for sharing that sacred experience. I'm glad you were able to go, and get some peace! I love ya!

Deana said...

Heidi I admire your strength more than I can ever tell you. I am looking forward to the temple and the peacefulness I have heard about so often. I am glad you had a good day!

Evie's Story said...

I love you and continue to pray that the arms of the Father will reach where ours cannot to comfort and console you. That HE will make Himself very known to you. He promises to be close to the brokenhearted...you AND Jersey qualify!!

love you

Greg and Heidi said...


Kim said...

Maybe she was there afterall.

hydee ann said...

sounds like a breakthrough, like you said. i had a similar experience after my inactive grandma died and we did her work for her. eventually, i did get the experience i was hoping for, but only after moving on and just BEING there. =)

i keep thinking of you ever since the calendar page turned to november. love you, heidi! and the blondies and jersey, too. {and, well, don't want to leave chris out but that just seemed a little awkward to say! =)how about, "i love your sweet family, too?"}