Wednesday, November 25, 2009

One Year


Dearest Jersey,

I can hardly believe you would be one. It's been one whole year since I first laid eyes on you, my monkey-haired princess. So little and fuzzy; you had great shoulder fuzz that I imagined smoothing down and then messing up again while I held you. You had a mouth like Tucker's and a nose like Tatum's and that hair! Where did it come from? I remember how the doctor's made me wait 4 hours to see you, how I almost went crazy while I waited, and how I sat and cried. Who would you look like? Will you have squishy cheeks? I knew without having seen you that you were perfect and mine. MINE! I remember looking at your arm tapped up to your elbow with an IV in it and then looking at your other hand to see bruised, poked skin. I remember sobbing thinking "how could they!" but knowing perfectly well it was necessary. I remember you trying to cry and when you did there was no sound because of your ET tube, I cried even harder.

I remember the next morning the nurse asking me if I wanted to hold you. What kind of question is that? You felt SO little in my arms, like I was holding air. I couldn't say very much to you, I was working so hard to keep my emotions together. I loved every bit of those two minutes, little did I know they would be my last. I soon had to hand you over to your daddy, I had to share you but didn't want to. He was smitten.

I don't know whether or not you chose to come for such a short time but I like to think that you were so extraordinary that you were chosen for your mission because it required only the purest angel. Not just anybody. What I do know is if I chose all over again I would pick you. I would pick all the heartache, desperation, and anxiety that came along with you, you are worth it. You are worth every tear drop, all the heart break, and all the missing.

So today when we would be celebrating your many accomplishments throughout the year instead we will celebrate all the beauty and perfection you represent. All the goodness and joy. We will celebrate how healthy you are now and how good it feels to know you are well. We will celebrate the fact that you are ours forever. There aren't many things that I KNOW but I do KNOW I will have you again, forever this time.

Love and miss you,

Mommy

21 comments:

Heather said...

Happy Birthday sweet Jersey. Huge hug to you Heidi. No words, just love. {thinking of you}

Andie's Mommy said...

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!!!! Love to you and your whole family.
Love ,
Brooke

Lily's Mama! said...

Happy Birthday sweet Angel. Chris and Heidi, we are sending up prayers for you always, but more so today.

Heart Hugs, Love and Blessings
Jenna-Lily's mama

Morris Mama said...

Thank you for the sweet post. Happy Birthday Jersey! I will be thinking and praying for you today.
Love ya, Alys

Netso said...

That could not have been said more perfectly. We love you :)

♥ Michele ♥ said...

Tears :*( Such a sweet tribute. Cute little Jersey Girl.

Angie Whitman said...

Beautiful Heidi. What a little miracle she is. Love you!

Shanen said...

Aww, all the many tears that are shed as we each read that special letter to her on her birthday. She is loved and so are you guys. You made it to the first year, not an easy feet, hopefully now, with more time, it will be easier. We love your family and Jersey girl.

Mindi D said...

I'm glad you KNOW that without a doubt. I also agree that she was chosen, not only was she chosen, but SHE chose to come to this earth for a short time. What a strong little princess. You should be so proud to be her mommy. Love you!

Chris Norton said...

Happy Birthday sweet Jersey Girl! Thanks for sharing the past year with us, I have learned so much through you. Lots of love! (Kelly)

Janalyn said...

Happy Birthday Jersey!

Dixie said...

You are an example to our family. We love you and share the pain of losing a little one too soon. We know the best is yet too be!
Love, Lynn & Dixie Tawzer

Maren said...

Heidi, that was so sweet. tears are falling, thats for sure! Happy Happy birthday to sweet Jersey Girl. I so wish I could have met her but that time will come.

Brittanie said...

The tears are spilling over! That was beautiful Heidi. Thank you for your example of strength and wisdom - I truly am amazed by you.

Nicole said...

Oh Jersey Girl. How I miss you and love you dearly. Happy Birthday Princess. I'm sure you saw that I came to the cementary to leave you a birthday card and gift, but the gates were closed. I'll bring them to you as soon as I can :) Please be close to your mommy and daddy for the next few days. They miss you so and feeling your sweet spirit will surely make them happy. Thank you for visiting my thoughts when I need it most. You are such a special angel friend.

Chris said...

Happy Birthday Jersey! Such a precious little one.

larsen family said...

Thinking of you and your sweet Jersey.
Love Ya,
Jen Larsen (Angel Kamber's Mommy)

Renae said...

Dearest Anderson Avenue, Thank You for bringing this Special Angel to us . Thank yoou for letting us go and see her, and touch her Precious Body!!! How we constantly hoped and Prayed for Her.What a Year!!! Thanks Chris and Heidi, Tatum, Tucker, and Angle Jersey Girl, for being in our lives GG and Old Papa

Evie's Story said...

Dear one....
you continue to amaze me. Jerseys party looks like such a lovely celebration of her amazing short time on earth. Her life continues to minister to others...what a lil' angel! You did a beautiful job Heidi. A party fit for a princess!
My heart hurts for you knowing this time of year compounds your grief in so many ways. Wish I could hug your neck.
Love you!
M

The Kemptons said...

That was beautiful Heidi. You always have such a way of expressing how you feel in such a wonderful way. We love you all! Happy Birhday Jersey.

The Page Family said...

Your writings are beautiful! I came across you blog and have been so touch by your love, honesty and compassion for others.
Happy (late) birthday!!
Love,
Heather Page