One Year

Dearest Jersey,

I can hardly believe you would be one. It's been one whole year since I first laid eyes on you, my monkey-haired princess. So little and fuzzy; you had great shoulder fuzz that I imagined smoothing down and then messing up again while I held you. You had a mouth like Tucker's and a nose like Tatum's and that hair! Where did it come from? I remember how the doctor's made me wait 4 hours to see you, how I almost went crazy while I waited, and how I sat and cried. Who would you look like? Will you have squishy cheeks? I knew without having seen you that you were perfect and mine. MINE! I remember looking at your arm tapped up to your elbow with an IV in it and then looking at your other hand to see bruised, poked skin. I remember sobbing thinking "how could they!" but knowing perfectly well it was necessary. I remember you trying to cry and when you did there was no sound because of your ET tube, I cried even harder.

I remember the next morning the nurse asking me if I wanted to hold you. What kind of question is that? You felt SO little in my arms, like I was holding air. I couldn't say very much to you, I was working so hard to keep my emotions together. I loved every bit of those two minutes, little did I know they would be my last. I soon had to hand you over to your daddy, I had to share you but didn't want to. He was smitten.

I don't know whether or not you chose to come for such a short time but I like to think that you were so extraordinary that you were chosen for your mission because it required only the purest angel. Not just anybody. What I do know is if I chose all over again I would pick you. I would pick all the heartache, desperation, and anxiety that came along with you, you are worth it. You are worth every tear drop, all the heart break, and all the missing.

So today when we would be celebrating your many accomplishments throughout the year instead we will celebrate all the beauty and perfection you represent. All the goodness and joy. We will celebrate how healthy you are now and how good it feels to know you are well. We will celebrate the fact that you are ours forever. There aren't many things that I KNOW but I do KNOW I will have you again, forever this time.

Love and miss you,

Mommy