Thursday, June 4, 2009

Jersey Girl



Hard to believe it's been 5 months. It still feels surreal. I still cry. Today, like yesterday and tomorrow, I miss her.


It's amazing how she never told me she loved me but she does, that I am certain, 100% certain. When things are quiet, I find myself thinking and wondering, and without a doubt I can feel deep in my heart the undeniable, wonderful feeling that she loves me. Oh how I miss her.


I've recently let myself hold and love on babies. It's nice, I like it. I like their squishy thighs and delicate, soft skin. I like how their eyes light up when they smile at me. I love the miniature clothes and how their skin has a soft hint of baby lotion. I love the matching hair bows and bracelets. I miss her.

Tatum and Tucker don't get that she's never coming home. Still I am asked when she's coming home and what she'll be for Halloween. Tatum wanted to know if her and Jersey are going to share a room; once upon a time they were but plans changed. It's so hard explaining over and over again she's not coming home. Questions of the resurrection always follow: how old will they be, when will it happen, why hasn't it happened, when Jersey's resurrected.... Sometimes I just go with it, it's tiring explaining, it always makes me ache. I miss her.

I will say my arms aren't as empty feeling as they once felt. You know how you leave the house and you get the feeling you should be carrying something and then you realize you forgot your purse? I use to physically feel as if I should be holding her, not any more. I'm glad that's gone. But still, I miss her.



I've been working on her headstone, I can't seem to get it right. I don't want just a typical headstone, I want it to stand out. I want people to stop, read, and realize she's quite the princess. I want it to be something she might have chosen herself, something meaningful and yet, cute and full of personality. It's hard, I don't like doing it, it reminds me of how I miss her.



It's odd how one week I can do so well and the next really struggle. I've sailed through the last 8 weeks and all the sudden I'm back to being overly emotional. What's changed to make me struggle so? This life is very... unpredictable.

Ugly
Draining
Straining
Lonely

Yes there are wonderful, good, happy things about her and her precious short life, but sometimes, like right now, I mostly feel the heavy weight of sorrow on my shoulders. Everywhere and in everything is see her, think about her, and long for her. I really miss her.


Today, like yesterday and tomorrow, I miss her.

28 comments:

The Glenns said...

A beautiful post. My very good friend lost a heart baby at 10 weeks old and then a twin at 33 weeks pregnant. She burried two babies in 3 years. She is again pregnant. She has 3 living, all under 5 years old. And we have many conversations about the one's she lost. I am amazed by the strength from mom's like you. I should never complain about sleepless nights and a messy house...and still, selfishly, I do sometimes.

Thanks for your thoughts. Time heals, and arms are full again someday. I know you already know that, but it's good for me to hear it myself.

The Allen's said...

Love you. Sorry about all this pain. you are so brave. we went and visited Jersey on memorial day. I know you will get just the right headstone for your precious sweetie. i love you and wish i could do something to help.

Mandi said...

I don't know what to say. I can't even imagine. Monday marked my dads six-month departure and it was a hard day. It's funny how six months of something didn't seem like a big deal...until now. I went to visit his grave before Memorial Day, the first time I had been since his funeral, and I couldn't help myself. I just cried and cried. It felt so good, but so empty. Sometimes I crave just sitting by his grave and telling him all of the things I have been feeling, all the things I am sorry about and just how much it aches for me to know he's gone. I know that he isn't really there, but it's the last of him on this earth and there is something so peaceful about a graveyard to me. My mom finally picked out his gravestone and that was painful to actually see it. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. I wish that life didn't have to be so hard sometimes for dear friends like you. We don't talk very often because life gets busy, but I hope you know that I think about you often. You are still in my prayers.

Dennison Family said...

Well written! I love ya, girl! Thanks for crying with me last night. You are the best, and so is your Jersey Girl!!

WishTrish said...

Just love you. You have such a nice way with words.

Little Jersey. Your sweet angel.

The Millirons said...

Oh that sweet little Jersey. I never met her, but I have such a special place for her in my heart. I love her like my own because I know she is with my little darling too. Our little princesses are twirling in heaven together : )

blah, blah by lindsey said...

i wish i could take your pain away. the longing, the sadness. i don't know how you do it.

i know jersey loves you and i am sure she is with you always.

i can't believe it has been 5 months, it made me think about alan's sister and how she will have been gone 7 years this year.

i know the headstone you pick will be perfect.

The G Fam said...

We must be on a similar grieving pattern, because it has been a hard week here too. Just missing our angels. Hang in there, and just know we mourn with you too.
Heart hugs,
Emily

♥ Michele ♥ said...

Thanks for the tears!! ;) Jersey is so adorable.....you can see her beauty right through those tubes! I love her fluffy dark hair....it makes me miss my GG. I totally understand everything you wrote...why is it that we can sail through certain times and then it's like we hit a brick wall and crash? I don't know.

I love your honesty in this post....we will never stop missing our sweetie girls...will we?

Thinking of you.....take care.

The Ridgway Family said...

Heidi,
I am sorry that it has to be so hard. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I can not. I LOVE seeing photos of Jersey and hearing you talk about her. I know how difficult it is to get the headstone just right as well, but I am sure it will be perfect when finished. Time will continue to heal you, it will never go away, at least not 11 months later, but you will continue to heal and feel peace. I have had to many experiences not to believe that he Lord is truly mindful of us and is helping us through. I think of you every day and pray for you daily.

Love you, Keisa

Angie Whitman said...

Jersey is so beautiful. That first picture of her she looks so peaceful and angelic. I am sorry its hard and I wish I could do more for you. I do understand the stumbling blocks and the feeling of "regressing" after so much progress... it can be like hitting a cement wall at full impact. Suddenly, you aren't sure you made any progress. But you have and you are healing, but you will always miss her and ache for her. What an amazing gift to have waiting for you on the other side. It makes death less scary, doesn't it? xoxo, Angie

Angie Whitman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Talley Family said...

I never realized how beautiful Jersey was. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I want you to know I still think and pray for you all the time.

Chelsea said...

I'm so sorry you have to experience such sorrow and longing. I'm glad that you can express it and know that we are all still thinking about you and Jersey.

Kunz said...

Thinking of you.

Nicole said...

Love you! Glad we got to talk on Thursday. I wish I could take some of this pain away for you, but I can't. The only good thing out of this is that sorrow helps us appreciate the joy in our lives. I am still working on what we talked about. Hopefully, I'll get a response soon. Praying that things are a little better than when we talked. Sending you hugs:) Always thinking of Jersey Pants and her monkey hair.

The Kemptons said...

Heidi you always say such profound words. I am so sorry you are hurting. You and Chris are always in our prayers. You both are such great friends. Jersey is such a beauty. I hope you know how wonderful you are and what an example you are to so many.

Jen Olson Brown said...

What can be said other than we are cheering for a very happy life for you until you are reunited with your sweetheart daughter. If tears could bring you to her, I know you'd be together now. I'm so sorry.

Evie's Story said...

Thank you for sharing these precious photos of your sweet angel girl. How my heart hurts for you Heidi and prays for the comfort of the Lord to be very near. Really appreciate you sharing honestly. I'm so amazed by the strong woman you are and the Christmas in July project you are doing. Hope you can be patient with yourself and the process of grief when these hard days or weeks come. Take care of YOU! Heart hugs, mandy

Crystal said...

Oh, Honey, come over and I'll hold you while you cry. I would be worried if you didn't have bad weeks. I'm just sorry you have to endure them, just don't do it alone.

Ten years later said...

I am Avery Ann's Grandma, we lost Avery Ann March 10, 2009. I too, go a couple of weeks ok and not crying and this week I am tearing up all the time. Grieve has its own life and I just try to ride the wave; its not easy; lately everyone is having baby girls so I am surrounded by them. I choose to believe Avery is coming to visit thru these babies. As a grandma my grief is so different; I am sad too, and miss Avery Ann.

Thank you for your posting; it allowed me to 'talk' a little about how I feel.

Barbara
Avery Ann Hallows Grandma

Shanen said...

Heidi, you are allowed to cry and have a bed day/week anytime you want. You are trying to get through something that not many people have to experience. You do the best you can, and just know you are thought about often, and there are friends and loved ones here on earth, and friends and loved ones up in heaven that are constantly looking out for your sweet family.

Kristine said...

I still think of Jersey often. She has made her mark on my family and we are that much better for it.

I wish you peace and lots of Jersey dreams.

Mindi D said...

O i'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how much you miss her. I'm so sorry. Love ya.

Kunz said...

I hate that we have to do this. I hate that you were never able to bring your baby home. I wish it was different. Just like you. Hold on. Our babies are just in a BIG waiting room, doing work, and one day we will get to see them. May be 10, 20, or more years, but we will get them back and it will all be worth it....

Netso said...

Heidi I'm so sorry. I'm sitting here crying tonight thinking you were hurting that bad and you still thought of me and those dang towels. I LOVE the towels but in all honesty I bought them to help out so if I never got them it would be alright so don't you worry your cute little poofy head over it. I love you and I wish so bad I could take away your pain. You're in my prayers....

Deana said...

Heidi, I am so so sorry for your heart! I wish I could help you feel better. I cannot even imagine the pain you must feel. Stay strong and remember what a great example you are to all!!

Libbis Grammy

marcee said...

Heidi, I am astounded with the beautful, graceful way you carry yourself under such a burden of sorrow and grief. I am so happy that at least your arms don't feel empty anymore when you leave the house- that's a major step forward. It also shows you that things always get better with time. I'm so glad you have your blog to voice your opinions so that the rest of us aren't fooled by your beautiful smile into thinking that you are all better and over it. Thank you for sharing.