Monday, February 2, 2009

One Month

It's been one whole month, feels like a year. I wonder how it will feel when it's been a year, when I should have a funny, cuddly, wobbly, happy toddler; when we should be celebrating her first birthday; when we should be cheering her for taking her first steps. The numbness is wearing off and left in it's place is frustration, jealousy, and anger. Sounds ugly and feels ugly and I don't care.

The rotten thing about grief is everybody does it differently and goes through the different steps at different times. It's lonely, it's frustrating, and it's hard to be patient. I have amazing friends; there are many who are concerned about me and willing to do anything for me and for that I am grateful. I have very few friends, thankfully, who can empathize.

Over the last few weeks I've noticed the blondies' make believe change. Every time they play house somebody is dying or dead or killed. It always seems to revolve around death. They have been stripped of a little innocence at their tender age.

I don't really have anything to say. I feel lonely. Upset. Unmotivated. Frustrated. Impatient. I want Jersey in my arms now, not later.

19 comments:

PamJorg said...

I'm so sorry Heidi...will some applesauce help? I'll bring it over tomorrow, for sure!

Jewelia Eagar said...

I am one of those friends who cannot 'empathize' but hopefully i am one of those great friends that is here for support. I've been wanting to drop off some dinner or something to help with the pain for a while now... maybe now is the time?? I'm here whenever you need a listening ear - hugs :)

Brittanie said...

I love you Heidi. I'm so sorry for all this pain that you are feeling and I wish I could take it away. You have every right to feel the way you do. I hope that today is a better day for you guys! XOXOXO

Heather said...

Oh, Heidi. No words. Just love and support, empathy and the benefit of knowing it gets better. Slowly but surely. I have felt the same jealousy, anger and supreme frustration. It is hard too when your hubby deals with it differently. I used to get upset because Phil wasn't crying and then he told me just because he isn't crying doesn't mean he's not hurting too.

Can I help somehow? Please? If anything I am sending my cyber hug right now.

jill said...

I'm sorry. You are still in my prayers every night.

ps. I sent you an email. I hope you got it. You have like 10 different accounts and I didn't know which one to send it too :)

Loves

Morris Mama said...

Oh, Heidi! I have been thinking about you. I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. We pray for you and your family every night. Hugs =)

Alys

lundgrenville said...

Oh Heidi-

I want so badly to take the pain...anger...frustration away.
I wish somehow I could reach your heart. I cannot 'empathize' with what your heart feels, but I feel pain for you and pray for your tender heart.
Im sure the month felt like an Eternity. My heart aches for you and I truly hope Heidi that you can find some peace..
I want to serve you in some way. I make little girls hairbows/flowers...they are being sold at Glitter Box. Let me make some for you!! Please...something.
I have a friend that lost a child a while back. Sometimes when she feels down, she will put a flower in her hair to remind her of her little girl. Its as if she is wearing a piece of her...It doesnt fix her broken heart...but it gives her a brief moment of comfort.
Hugs Heidi...lots of them!

The Kemptons said...

I am so sorry Heidi. You have every right to feel the way you do. It is not fair and I want you to know that I love you. You are one of the greatest friends I have ever had.

The Millirons said...

I am right there with you. The fog is wearing off and reality is setting in. I am really tired all the time. I have been taking Douglas on walks and bike rides in the morning, just to try and feel normal again. The hardest part is that one day I will miss my Dad and then the next day I will miss Elizabeth. I have two holes in my heart and I have no idea how I am going to fill them.

Douglas talks a lot about death too. He asks, just about everyday, why Elizabeth and Grandpa died. And then I have to explain to him all over again. I hope that someday he will understand. I agree that it is so sad that they have to deal with death at such a young age. They shouldn't know what death is yet.

I am sorry you are feeling this way. It has been a month since Elizabeth passed away too. I am here for you. We can cry together and talk about how badly it sucks.

The Allen's said...

I am so sorry heidi. I think about you guys everyday and wish I had any words to give that would help. I know what it is like to lose a mom, but that is different than losing a baby, and we do all go through the steps at different times. I want you to know we are praying for you still and just love you guys. You are an amazing person and I have learned a lot from you guys. love you.

The Larson's said...

Oh Heidi, my heart just aches for you. I wish I could take all those feelings away. I know those feelings all to well. Even loosing a mother at a young age I still feel those feelings. I am so sorry. I think about you often. Matter of fact I thought about you all weekend as I read the book "The Message". It was FANTASTIC. Thank you so much. We will chat soon. Love Ya.

The Simmons Family said...

Seriously... it just plain stinks. I'm sure I'd be shouting my frustrations from the rooftops! I can't imagine the pain you feel or your precious blondies. I've come close to losing Owen and I can't explain the emotions I felt in words. No one should have to bury their baby. I don't know how long it takes to greive... I imagine it'll be forever. I'm so sorry! I'm praying for you all the time to feel some sort of comfort (if that's possible).

We live in Gilbert.. if there's anything I can do or if you just want to talk... ANYTIME!!!

Andrea :)

Ashley said...

I wish you didn't feel this way, it just sucks!!! I would love to talk to you heidi! Maybe we can have a pity party together. :) Just know I think about you often (even if I cant get up the motivation to call you) and pray for your family often. I so wish we and many others didn't have to have this trial. Love ya

Jen H. said...

I'm not sure what to say as I know no words will heal your heart right now. Just thinking about you... constantly!!

blah, blah by lindsey said...

you and your blondies are in my thoughts and prayers everyday

{{hugs}}

The McKnights said...

I wish I had the magic word to say to take away the pain you are going through but I know that's not possible. I'm so sorry for all you are feeling and going through. We are still always thinking of you guys and praying for you every day.

sara said...

Jake started playing that someone crashed in an airplane and was burned or on fire in the hospital about two weeks after the actual crash. It bothered the older sibs, but I told them that it was normal for him and that was how he was dealing with his feelings. I know there are some big differences in our sitsuations, but know that your kids will be able to handle the emotions on their time and be ok. You are dealing with so much....and you are doing an amazing job. You are so strong and you will get your family thru this. Love you

Callie said...

When we lost our daughter 11 years ago March 2nd. I couldn't imagine one
day, or one week or one year into the future without her. Funny, I tried to imagine myself as an older woman: how would I tell people about her? Would the aching in my arms still be there when I'm 50, 60, 70 years old? I know how you feel; exactly as you should. You have been separated from someone you love. Hang in there. You are loved.

Kunz Family said...

I hope we will see you tomorrow.... those few who can 'empathize' will be there for you. Now and always