Last week our lesson in Relief Society was on prayer. I rarely if ever comment in class but I certainly had a lot to say. I don't' mean to always bring up my Jersey Girl but her and the experiences I had with her taught more in those few weeks than my 28 years combined; at least those things spiritual.
I remember driving to the hospital one day, Jersey was doing awful and, as became my routine, I was begging and pleading for her to be healed as I drove the 45 minutes there. I remember the distinct thought come to my mind, "everything will be just fine". How relieved I was to know that although the storm was ragging, though I could barely keep my head above water all was well, she would live. I needed that optimism, I needed that little ray of sunshine to help me endure. I needed the hope that while things looked so very bleak if I only clung to "everything will be just fine" I could last until she was home however long it may be. I tried handling my trial with grace and understanding. Fast forward a few weeks, Jersey did well for a moment but she could hang on no longer, it was time.
I remember being at home and looking back on that drive and the response given to me. I felt so very betrayed, so tricked. Everything was NOT fine! Jersey died! I am not fine with that! How dare I be given false hope.
I thought about it often and it wasn't until one quiet afternoon it dawned on me, Jersey WAS/IS just fine. No suffering, no drugs, no future surgeries or tortures. She would never envy other little children running when she couldn't or wish her body wasn't so beat up and scarred. It never quite dawned on me in the moment those words could be interpreted any other way. For me the ONLY way was for her to recover and come home.
Sometimes the answer is simply no even though it may be a very righteous desire, even though we do everything we can to live the way we should. I feel like so many times I hear of only the experiences where yes was the answer, where some one was healed right then, where everything immediately worked out. I feel like it's just as important to also add in faith promoting stories the times when the answer is no and things don't work out they way we have so diligently fasted and prayed they would. In my opinion it takes more faith, more understanding, more patience when the opposite of what you want happens.
I know my girl is exactly that, "just fine", better than she's ever been. And today, right now, I'm just fine with her being my angel.