Monday, August 10, 2009

Prayer

Last week our lesson in Relief Society was on prayer. I rarely if ever comment in class but I certainly had a lot to say. I don't' mean to always bring up my Jersey Girl but her and the experiences I had with her taught more in those few weeks than my 28 years combined; at least those things spiritual.

I remember driving to the hospital one day, Jersey was doing awful and, as became my routine, I was begging and pleading for her to be healed as I drove the 45 minutes there. I remember the distinct thought come to my mind, "everything will be just fine". How relieved I was to know that although the storm was ragging, though I could barely keep my head above water all was well, she would live. I needed that optimism, I needed that little ray of sunshine to help me endure. I needed the hope that while things looked so very bleak if I only clung to "everything will be just fine" I could last until she was home however long it may be. I tried handling my trial with grace and understanding. Fast forward a few weeks, Jersey did well for a moment but she could hang on no longer, it was time.

I remember being at home and looking back on that drive and the response given to me. I felt so very betrayed, so tricked. Everything was NOT fine! Jersey died! I am not fine with that! How dare I be given false hope.

I thought about it often and it wasn't until one quiet afternoon it dawned on me, Jersey WAS/IS just fine. No suffering, no drugs, no future surgeries or tortures. She would never envy other little children running when she couldn't or wish her body wasn't so beat up and scarred. It never quite dawned on me in the moment those words could be interpreted any other way. For me the ONLY way was for her to recover and come home.

Sometimes the answer is simply no even though it may be a very righteous desire, even though we do everything we can to live the way we should. I feel like so many times I hear of only the experiences where yes was the answer, where some one was healed right then, where everything immediately worked out. I feel like it's just as important to also add in faith promoting stories the times when the answer is no and things don't work out they way we have so diligently fasted and prayed they would. In my opinion it takes more faith, more understanding, more patience when the opposite of what you want happens.

I know my girl is exactly that, "just fine", better than she's ever been. And today, right now, I'm just fine with her being my angel.

20 comments:

angelsmom said...

Yeah, I am so glad that it is getting easier for you having lost your beautiful baby Jersey. Your heart will never completely heal but it will get easier to understand. Our angels in heaven are precious because we have to wait that much longer to be with them

angelsmom said...

Yay, I am so glad that it is getting easier for you having lost your beautiful baby Jersey. Your heart will never completely heal but it will get easier to understand. Our angels in heaven are precious because we have to wait that much longer to be with them

Tyler and Kami said...

Heidi, I have tears in my eyes right now. Thank you for sharing this experience. It is so much like the experience I had with Elizabeth. About 3 weeks before my Dad passed away, he gave me a Father's Blessing about Elizabeth ( we had just found out things were going wrong with her ) and I remember asking him to bless that she would be okay. In my blessing, he said " I can't tell you that Elizabeth will be okay " I just about died. I knew what that meant. It wasn't until she passed away that I felt peace and knew that she really was okay now.

Heather said...

Wonderful words of wisdom that can only come from experience. Thanks for sharing Heidi. I too prayed and prayed for Camden and the Lord did answer my prayers as he did yours with sweet Jersey. Our babies are healthy and happy, all is right.

Nicole said...

This is one of the best posts I have ever read. It's so true. I remember often asking for things and then getting no as the answer. It's only with time did I realize that what actually happened is what was best for me at that time. Though I too prayed Jersey would make it through, I am glad she doesn't have to face anymore struggles. Sending you hugs :)

Mindi D said...

Thanks for sharing and you are so right. I remember Kurt giving me a blessing when I was pregnant with Lib and i wanted him to say that her heart would be made whole again. He didn't say that, and it wasn't made whole, but we have learned so much and grown so much because of that and because of her. You are always in our thoughts. I'm glad today is a good day :) :) :)

Jenna said...

Heidi, that is exactly what happened to me. I got the distinct impression, this was before they diagnosed my Mom with the cancer, that the doctors would indeed find out what was wrong, and that my Mom would be healed. She also was promised in blessings many times that she would overcome this illness. So when she died I questioned my prompting. I guess I just thought is must have been my mind and not the spirit. But a few weeks ago, something happened that I was praying for. I suddenly had the impression that my prayers do get answered, and that the impression about my Mom was true. She was healed completely. Even though it was by death. Her bishop told us that Christ after his ressurrection said He had Overcome the World, so he said my Mom had also overcome her illness as promised. It was not the way we thought. But that is the thing, they can be interpreted in many ways, and it really is a test of faith. My Mom and Jersey Girl did overcome...........as hard as that is sometimes, but they Did and they fought the fight and made it!! Love you Heidi!

Big Momma said...

love, Love, LOVE this post! I agree with you and all the other ladies here. He promised that He would answer our prayers, but He didn't promise that they would be in the manner in which WE sometimes would like them to be.

Janalyn said...

I've had similar words repeated in my head at various times over the last 3 years. It's interesting what differences there are in the definitions of "fine" or "ok". And what different callings we all have.
It makes me happy to hear you're greatful for Jersey's peace and health. (At least for today.) Some days I envy you and Jersey. And some days you both help me to be greatful for what I have.

Karen said...

Thank you for the beautiful post. I appreicate you testimony on prayer, I know it is so hard to learn these things but am truely thankful for those who share with the rest of us.

blah, blah by lindsey said...

i just want to start out by saying i think you are awesome. i loving learning from you.

i remember the sunday before jersey passed and asking all my friends to fast and pray. knowing that everything would be ok if we all humbled ourselves for your sweet angel. that night was when we got word that she was going. and i remember feeling betrayed as well. thinking that after everything she was still going. until my friend called me and said we fasted for jersey, is there any news? when i told her she had passed, my friend said, so our fast was answered. she is no longer in pain. at the time i was hurt, but now i understand.

xoxo

Nichols Family said...

Heidi, you are so awesome. You are a huge example to me, yes you are. Thanks for sharing this beautiful post of you testimony and feelings. Thanks for reminding me of these important things.

Eve said...

Sometime I'll tell you about when Sam gave Jersey that blessing. Tyler and Kami's comment reminded me of that.

mom/sandy said...

I was glad to see you in the Temple tonite and to visit for a few moments.

Good for you for going. I hope it brings you some peace being in such a sacred place. Because of my service there I have many opportunitys to ponder and reflect on my life and the direction it has taken. I know that our prayers are answered. Its just that some of the answers are tough.
Can't wait to see you again.

Ashley said...

I love this post Heidi!! I have had similar experciences and I can empathize with you. I'm glad you had that tender mercy from Heavenly Father to realize Jersey is just fine!!! The other day someone told me and I agree that Jersey and Miles are in the best day care they could possibly be in!! I hope you are doing good!! Love YA!

Dennison Family said...

Great post!! I agree 100%!! The faith stories that the answer is no really are the stories where faith is really tested. It is hard to have faith when you have been told no, and now you have to deal with that answer. I know that was one of the hardest things for me to deal with, after Jake passed away. Great post! Love ya!

Netso said...

Oh Heidi, what a precious message. Thanks for sharing. Your little Jersey is so proud of you and I'm sure she is happy that not only is she "fine" but that you are going to be too. we love you dearly. take care.

Deana said...

Heidi, that was such a good message.

Thank you:)

Bridget said...

My husband and I had a similar experience with our son. I felt so much peace during a prayer that the Lord's will be done. The only thing the Lord would want was for my son to respond to the doctor's trying to help him. Not more than 15 minutes later, I felt the disbelief and crushing blow that the Lord's will and my will were actually not one. We lost our son and in the midst of the trial, I can only go back to the time when I felt the peace and knew that the Lord's will would be done.

It's hard to be so intimately acquainted with grief. Thank you for sharing.

Clarissa said...

I snuck over to your blog from Ken & Karen Cole's blog, didn't know you knew them! They've been our friends forever . . . well Ken and Brad went to high school together, same ward growing up, we even spent some time together at BYU, etc., etc. I must've missed RS that Sunday but I am glad I was able to read about it here. Thank you for sharing, what a great example you are to all of us!