Sunday, January 11, 2009

Jersey Ramblings

I've had so many thoughts going through my mind, every time I sit down to record how or what I'm feeling I can't seem to sort through everything. I can't seem to focus enough to make any sense. There's so many weird and contradicting thoughts and emotions.

There's nothing more to say about Jersey's "special day" (as the blondies call it) than perfect. It was a great day, a beautiful day. We cried and laughed and hugged and ached. Jersey looked so good, she looked like a dollie in her long white dress. There were many hard parts of the day but I think the hardest part for me was watching Tatum. She never left Jersey's side. She played with her hair, stroked her cheeks, kissed her, and put her arms around her. She proudly introduced her little sister to friends and family coming to see her. How excited Tatum was to be a big sister, to have her very own baby. She couldn't wait to teach Jersey how to walk and talk and dance. Tatum is such a cute dancer. While Chris was speaking Tatum began sobbing, a deep uncontrollable sob. She had huge alligator tears and it broke my heart. These last several days she's been very hard; very emotional and angry.

I loved that Chris was brave enough to speak at Jersey Girl's funeral. I was sitting there watching him wondering who this new man is, I'd never seen this side of him before. I loved the balloons at the cemetery, what a neat thing to see. Tatum, Tucker, and I wrote our own notes at home and then brought them with us that morning. We let ours go before everybody else, our three balloons sailed together, never separating. Isn't that how we're suppose to be: sailing together through this life during the highs and lows always sticking together? I loved how people so unselfishly served us in ways we don't even realize. I love how much support was given to us on the hardest day we've ever had to face. I love...so many things about that day I'd never change. Planning a funeral is like planning a wedding in 3 days!

While my arms are empty of my baby I waited so long for I can't help but be grateful she has her wings. I was done watching her go through all the crap she did. I was tired of the never ending procedures, the constant sedation, the uncomfortable life she led. How free she must feel. How lucky she is it was only 6 weeks. I'm grateful she's perfect, no machines, no doctors...just heaven.


I feel like the last 6 weeks were just a bad dream. We never brought her home so our home dynamic didn't change. We never saw her in her room or in her cute, pink outfits. We're back to our regular routines... with the memories. When we go out as a family nobody knows our baby is missing, nobody knows we have 3 rugrats. I was asked the dreaded question, "howz the baby?". "Oh she's an angel," I responded because she was and is. "That's nice" was the response. It is nice...it's wonderful.

25 comments:

PamJorg said...

I love your answer at the end of the post. Love you!

WishTrish said...

Heidi, what a perfect way to form your thoughts. Absolutely beautiful. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Heather said...

Oh gosh. I am so glad it went well and I loved reading your thoughts. And such a hard question to parry and you did beautifully. Phil spoke at Camden's funeral and I too marveled at the strength that these daddy's have. I wish we could have been there to give you hugs in person.

mom/sandy said...

I loved that you did ballons!! We still do ballons--everytime the grandkids get one they send it to 'papa'!!
Jerseys 'special day'was perfect just as she is.
Chris you did a amazing job sharing your memories of your sweet daughter.
Take care of each other-
Love Sandy Williams

Renae said...

I, too, love reading your thoughts. You are an inspiration to me. Still sending you lots of love & hugs!

lindsey said...

you are amazing. loves

Brittanie said...

Heidi - you are amazing. You express your thoughts so well and always make me cry. You and your family have been on my mind pretty much constantly this past week. I SO wish I could have been at Jersey's funeral. Everyone says it was beautiful. Tatum is such a sweetie. Anika has colored many pictures for her "best friend". My favorite is a picture of Tatum and Tucker with angel Jersey watching over them. Can you e-mail me your address so that I can send it to her? We are coming to AZ in March - I can't wait to give you the hug I've been dying to give you for the past 2 months!

jill said...

I'm glad you guys were able to have such a special day! I'm sorry we keep missing each other, but know that I'm thinking about you guys all the time.

lundgrenville said...

Heidi-
What a touching post!
Its amazing the strength that both you and Chris have and share with your children..
Jersey Girl will always be in your hearts...forever...for eternity!
The Lord loves each of you...and will carry you through.
Give a sweet little hug to that Tatum bug....
I believe that all children have a sense of the spirit in a way that cant be explained...They are sweet angelic spirits that can have impressions or experience things that often times we can never experience in this lifetime...Sounds like Tatum has gifts that will be a strength to your family for the next few weeks...months...years!
Hugs to you Heidi-
Love,

The Lundgrens

Alisa Larson said...

Heidi, you are amazing. I'm glad you can see the silver lining through all of this. I'm sure Jersey is very proud that you're remembering the eternal perspective even when it's so hard. A friend of mine lost her baby when she was a few weeks old and I was talking to her about it the other day. I told her of your situation and how I didn't know what to say. She said the one thing that she wished someone would have told her was that the pain does get easier and is replaced with mostly happy feelings. Every year that goes by is easier to forget the pain and just remember the beautiful child that they were blessed with. I hope that helps in some way.

Chelsea said...

your thoughts and feelings are refreshingly positive, you have a great outlook Heidi! that made me really sad to hear about Tatum's big sob. Poor sweet sister.

The Simmons Family said...

Your strength inspires me!! I'm sure the funeral was PERFECT in everyway. I wish we could have been at the funeral, but our little heart man is getting ready for chemo and we can't risk any sickenss :(.

I would have loved to have met your family. Stories like Jersey's are proof that these angels are born with AMAZING strength to endure what they do...(procedures, sedation, you said it). It's not fair. She earned her wings and her suffering is over. While I"m so grateful to have our little guy with us still.. his BODY is FRAGILE and Heavenly Father can call him home anytime.

I pray for you and your family to continue to find strength and comfort.

The Ridgway Family said...

Oh Heidi, it is so hard on the siblings. It took our girls quite a while after Eden passed to get back to normal. Especially Ainsley our oldest. Like Tatum, she was so very excited to be a big sister and have her very own baby. My heart still breaks for them and how they missed out on loving and teaching Eden. I sometimes sit in bed at night and think how unfair it is for the two of them as they would have been some of the best big sisters around. We spent LOTS of time together as a family for about 6 weeks after the funeral. We did special little outings and the girls just soaked it in. I think it really helped them to cope. I was so naive to think that they would not be affected since she never came home and they really didn't know her. Boy was I mistaken!!

I think of you every day and pray for you so much. I know exactly how you are felling and I am sorry you have to endure this. It really bothered me that life was back to normal, like you said, and no one knew we actually have three children. Do not be afraid to talk about her as much as you like. She was and is very real and I find that the more I talk about Eden and our experience, the more I heal. I can't wait to go out with you and Chris on Friday so we can talk about our angels.

I pray that each day will bring you peace and comfort!

Love, Keisa

Tanner, Avery, Benson, and Bela said...

What a sweet post.. You are amazingly strong. So many people that don't know you have read your blog through ours and have commented to me how much it has impacted their lives. Jersey girl is a blessing to so many people..

Molly Wright said...

You are in our thoughts constantly. You have given us such a gift. Every time we go to get more milk out of the freezer for Mark, we think of you and the hours you spent pumping. I know what a pain it is! We feel so blessed to have this milk. You are so kind and generous. We are praying for you always. We love you!

Jay and Jen's Life said...

Dear Anderson Family - I am so sorry for your loss. I have been an anonymous reader of your blog for several weeks. It has always inspired and touched me. My heart aches for you now. You are in my prayers every night. God bless your precious angel Jersey.

Kiara and Scott Vowell said...

Hi,I am a freind of Maren U. I love reading your blog, you are such a strong women and such a strong family.Even though I dont know you I want you to know my heart goes out to you and your family is in our prayers.

I dont know if you have ever heard this song, the singer is lds, and lost his baby girl. If you want you should look it up.

Kevin Burdick- "too good for this world"

The Foster Family said...

For a person who can't finish her thoghts- I think you did quite well. YOu have inspired me that there is always something positive in every situation, and that the Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle. You and Chris have been such great examples of how wonderful it is to know that you'll see your little angel again, and the peace it gives each of us. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts- they have been very inspiring!

Jamie Y said...

I loved spending time with you yesterday, thanks. I wish I could have talked to you for hours more. I loved hearing all about your time with Jersey and the way your eyes lit up when you talked about her. You guys are definately lucky to have had her in your family, even if for such a short time, but she is just as lucky to have been sent to a family who loves her so much. I love reading your candid thoughts on here, thanks for sharing and allowing us into such a special part of your life.

Eve said...

Chris and Heidi,
Everyday I find myself rereading the entries of Jersey's last days and remembering Friday, the last day I spent with her alone. I have a little shrine on my nightstand of Jersey things. I miss her, but I envision her as a happy, darling little blondie running and twirling in heaven. That makes me happy. Love you both, Mom (Eve)

Nichols Family said...

Yes, the answer you gave to the person who asked the dreaded question was absolutely perfect. Good thinkin. I'm not sure how I would've handled that awkward situation. You did dandy sweetie. Hope you continue to do well enough to hang out one of these days over at our pad. (I say batchelor pad b/c Trent still has U2 posters up in our lovely office) :) ha ha. Continuing to love, pray, and think about you daily.

The McKnights said...

You did a great job in typing out your thoughts. I loved reading that. I'll never forget that feeling I felt when we all let our balloons go and watched them and watched them and watched them and even as long as I was looking, I could still see your three balloons...far above the rest of ours all together! It was amazing. I have to agree with another comment on here..I love your answer at the end. That would be tough to hear. You answered absolutely perfect!

Diane Arnett Gardiner said...

You are an insperation. Beautiful inside and out. I know you don't have a choice right now. And given the choice you'd have Jersey with you, happy and healthy. But given no choice, I am awed by your spirit, strength, and faith. I wish I could have met your remarkable Jersey Girl. I think about you and pray for you often. You have placed my perpective back to where it should always be. Thank you...your note in the mail was thoughtful...I'm beginning to think you're perfect Heidi!

The Millirons said...

We just lost our little Girl about two weeks ago. She was stillborn and passed away when I was about 30 weeks pregnant. She had a lot of complications and couldn't fight anymore. I can relate to everything being like a dream - there are days I look back and wonder if this all really happened.

My heart goes out to you and your Family. I am happy our little Girls are wrapped safely in the arms of their Father in Heaven.

Looking at the picture on your Blog Header, it looks like you buried her at the Mesa Cemetery on Center Street. That is where we buried our sweet little Elizabeth.

Sabrina said...

amazing, speechless...the photos of your family (professional?), your thoughts, words, ramblings...love them all.
Blessings to you and your powerful family.
Sabrina-mama to heart baby Luna.