Two Weeks Down, A Lifetime To Go!

Two weeks down, a lifetime to go. Mondays are the anniversary of Jersey earning her wings. The first week was an absolute whirl wind. There was much planning and errands to do; we were so busy we hardly had time to think. Chris and I decided we have funerals to keep our bodies busy and our minds occupied. I'm a planner, I like planning parties better than I like going to them, I never thought I'd be planning my precious daughter's funeral. I hope to never plan one again! I hope I never see a casket that small ever again! And I hope I never forget the desperation and fear followed by peace and amazement!

I was worried about last week, our first week without a funeral to plan and second week without the hospital to drive back and forth to. Without either of those there was a lot of time to fill, to think, to cry. It ended up being a good week. We tried to do fun activities not normally done, we tried to laugh more, and be more patient. Chris and I went on 2 dates, I don't remember our last date. We went out with our new best friends, the Ridgeways, and very much enjoyed ourselves. Keisa and I talked all evening about our angels and our experiences. She has an angel too, unfortunately. It was amazing talking to somebody who just knows, who is more experienced in the sorrow and can promise it really does get better. They have been so good to us, we've felt wrapped in their arms and loved. It's an elite club we share membership in.

Mondays aren't necessarily bad days, how I would love to have Jersey in my arms, not doing so makes me ache, makes me think of the "could have beens". It's also a day of remembering. I'm so afraid to forget. To forget her smell, the touch of her hair, that little tongue, the powerful feeling that filled her room that early Monday morning. It was very obvious she was there in the room with us after she passed, as the morning wore on that amazing feeling left, she had gone and it was time for us to leave. I look back on that morning with awe and wonder.

Tatum continues to be difficult. I don't know how to help her. I try instead of punishing her and enforcing the rules to wrap her in my arms to show her I love her. Her attitude, sass, and things coming out of her little mouth are very taxing. My normally happy, darling little princess has turned grouchy and angry. Her and I have discussed solutions to her melt downs but in the moment she refuses to comply. I know time is healing and hopefully soon I will be able to help her better. Tucker is...well Tucker. He doesn't seem to be as affected and hopefully nothing will arise.

I miss my Jersey Girl fiercely! When I'm at a store or church and I see a baby near Jersey's age I find myself staring, wishing, wondering. I hope I'm not denied the opportunity to raise her. I hope when I see her again I will have made her proud.