Monday, January 19, 2009

Two Weeks Down, A Lifetime To Go!

Two weeks down, a lifetime to go. Mondays are the anniversary of Jersey earning her wings. The first week was an absolute whirl wind. There was much planning and errands to do; we were so busy we hardly had time to think. Chris and I decided we have funerals to keep our bodies busy and our minds occupied. I'm a planner, I like planning parties better than I like going to them, I never thought I'd be planning my precious daughter's funeral. I hope to never plan one again! I hope I never see a casket that small ever again! And I hope I never forget the desperation and fear followed by peace and amazement!

I was worried about last week, our first week without a funeral to plan and second week without the hospital to drive back and forth to. Without either of those there was a lot of time to fill, to think, to cry. It ended up being a good week. We tried to do fun activities not normally done, we tried to laugh more, and be more patient. Chris and I went on 2 dates, I don't remember our last date. We went out with our new best friends, the Ridgeways, and very much enjoyed ourselves. Keisa and I talked all evening about our angels and our experiences. She has an angel too, unfortunately. It was amazing talking to somebody who just knows, who is more experienced in the sorrow and can promise it really does get better. They have been so good to us, we've felt wrapped in their arms and loved. It's an elite club we share membership in.

Mondays aren't necessarily bad days, how I would love to have Jersey in my arms, not doing so makes me ache, makes me think of the "could have beens". It's also a day of remembering. I'm so afraid to forget. To forget her smell, the touch of her hair, that little tongue, the powerful feeling that filled her room that early Monday morning. It was very obvious she was there in the room with us after she passed, as the morning wore on that amazing feeling left, she had gone and it was time for us to leave. I look back on that morning with awe and wonder.

Tatum continues to be difficult. I don't know how to help her. I try instead of punishing her and enforcing the rules to wrap her in my arms to show her I love her. Her attitude, sass, and things coming out of her little mouth are very taxing. My normally happy, darling little princess has turned grouchy and angry. Her and I have discussed solutions to her melt downs but in the moment she refuses to comply. I know time is healing and hopefully soon I will be able to help her better. Tucker is...well Tucker. He doesn't seem to be as affected and hopefully nothing will arise.

I miss my Jersey Girl fiercely! When I'm at a store or church and I see a baby near Jersey's age I find myself staring, wishing, wondering. I hope I'm not denied the opportunity to raise her. I hope when I see her again I will have made her proud.

18 comments:

Chelsea said...

You will!!! Tucker brought it up during our lesson last week. He amazed me with his simple, perfect knowledge. What a smart boy he is. I have to remind myself that he is almost a whole year older than Kosty! He is so full of personality, we REALLY enjoy him in our class.

Shanen said...

Proud indeed!! You have done amazing these past two weeks. And what a blessing to have someone who completely understands what you have and are going through. Tatum??? I hope to tell you that that will get better, but she is 5 remember. She's testing, but you will get it figured out. Hang in there. Just keep going on bikerides. =)

Mindi said...

Heidi,
I'm another heart mom out here pulling for you and yours. I find you absolutely amazing. You are teaching your children so many perfect truths through your example. Just had to tell you Jersey is alive and well in your spirit and teaching us all.

Much love,
Mindi and McKay

Cyn said...

I know each of your parents, but don't have the privilege of knowing you directly. I, too, have an angel watching over our family and can relate so much to what you're going through. He also was diagnosed before his birth with a heart defect. His funeral was also the first part of January, 11 years ago. I know you've heard it a million times, but I'd love to listen if you need a fellow "angel mother" listening ear. You'll be so happy you've written your feelings and experiences down. You're doing things right...and you won't ever forget. Keep loving your other beautiful children just the way you are. You're amazing!

Heather said...

All I can say Heidi is that I am so glad you have support from someone who has been through the same trial. Speaking from experience I know it gets better and I remember not wanting to forget anything about Camden too. It is good you are writing things down, you have precious mementos of Jersey and the sweet and tender feelings to reflect on. You are not alone in this and if there is anything I can do for you I would love to help. I love the new header picture, it perfect and profound. You are beautiful.

lundgrenville said...

Heidi-
She's already proud of you...and will be forever...through eternity..!
You are reminded often of the feelings you felt as she returned to her Heavenly Father...cherish those feelings forever! Every time you see a young baby...maybe the same color hair...the same color eyes...or the same cry, remember Jersey. She will always be in your heart, she will always be with you!
Perhaps a blessing for Tatum would calm the raging waters...
You said...instead of getting upset, you love her and hold her tight....priceless!!
Now...when you say, you hope that Jersey will be proud. I believe she already is...
Hugs my friend-

WishTrish said...

Oh, Heidi. All I can say is, "I love you!" and "It will get better." Still thinking of you!

Nichols Family said...

You'll make her proud just like you make everyone else around you proud. Love ya!

Jaime S. said...

elliot and cami just told me yesterday about the funeral. if i would have known i would have been there. bless your hearts. you guys are troopers.

jaime (spencer's sister)

The Millirons said...

Thanks for your comment. You can email me anytime you need to also : kamillemilliron@gmail.com

I noticed on your " About Us " page, you have a private Blog called " Jersey Girl " Is that a journal ? I did one for Elizabeth that I made private. It might sound silly, but I actually write to her when I write on it. I have posted my feelings on it just about every day or every other day since she passed away. It is really therapeutic and helps me deal with those deep emotions you don't want to share with anyone. It also helps me share my feelings on the days when I have to be strong and I just don't want to.

We are part of an elite club. And what a bitter - sweet club it is !

The Ridgway Family said...

Oh Heidi, I too ad such a wonderful time just reminiscing about or little girls. I think she is so very proud of you and the difficult decision you have made for her. She loves you more than you will ever know, but you will feel her there next to you at the most precious of moments. I remember the feeling of Eden being in the room so well. There are days that I just long to feel her that strongly again. For me though, I keep her alive by talking about her and to her. I am so proud of you for how you are reacting to Tatum's grief. I will admit that I was not that dignified in dealing with me girls after Eden passed. Your example will help me to do better as I still can get so short with them.

Love you and we need to go out again very soon.

Keisa

Evie's Story said...

Beautifully written Heidi...even in your deepest grief, the grace of your words is amazing! I have something I want to e-mail to you that is a bit lengthy for a post. May I have your address? You can e-mail it to me at smithmandy@mac.com
Praying especially for our sweet Tatum!

Diane Arnett Gardiner said...

Heidi, I can get the milk to hear easily. In fact, I've known the Wright family for years and had no idea Molly was theirs. Don't worry about coming to me. I'll get it to her. Thanks for giving me the opporunity.

Ashleigh and Zebb said...

Oh Heidi. I don't know what to say...I love you and still continue to pray for your little family often!!

Kippy said...

I'm so glad to hear you are hanging in there. You are still in my thoughts and prayers.

~Wyatt~Brittney~Brecken~ said...

I just found your site, and I went back and read every post. I can't tell you how much you have helped my testimony grow. Thank you so much for your example. Your family will be in my prayers.

millers said...

Heidi-
I hope you get this. Saw this on Diane's blog. I had no idea you went through this. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you remember us from being neighbors on Sabrina and I watched Tatum and and Tucker. I can't stop thinking of you. krismiller79@cox.net
Kristen Miller

T*Raw said...

Heidi,

I just read this posting and a scene from a movie came to my mind. I don't know if it will "help" at all, and I hope it doesn't offend you in any way; my intentions are to offer a sweet feeling of peace, perhaps for Tatum. There is a movie called "A Little Princess" I believe (have you seen it?) Well I have not seen it in years, but I remember I thought it was a sweet movie, and had a lot of imagination in it. I'm not sure if the movie would be 'too old' for Tatum, but there is a particular scene where a little girl is screaming and crying because she is sad about her mom who had passed away a while back. She would often have these 'sad tantrums' and no one could calm her down. The 'princess' in the movie came out of her room and calmed down the little girl by telling her that she believed her mom was an angel, and that she would often float down on a cloud and come visit her; but she could only hear her if she was silent. She said that if she was screaming, she wouldn't be able to hear her, but that she always comes back on the cloud to try and visit the girl. I am not sure if that made much sense, or if you will find it helpful at all, but for some reason that came to my mind when reading this post. I pray that you and your family are continually comforted.

With Love,
Tara Emelity