Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A Privilege

It was so nice to read Chris's lovely post about Jersey's passing, I loved reading it from his perspective. For me, I would like to have record of my thoughts and feelings and so this is not in any way an attempt to out do or override anything Chris wrote. I simply want to remember...


I was privileged to spend all Sunday afternoon alone with my girlie. I was lucky enough to have a tiny hand free of tape to hold! So precious and soft. She had had a rough couple of days and we could sense in the air growing concern. The doctors didn't need to tell us how fragile she was, we sensed it. While I was running my fingers through her monkey hair Jersey's doctor and I had a hard conversation. She expressed the need for Chris and I to make the difficult decision of do they or don't they recessitate Jersey should she need CPR as she had come very close several times. We concluded our conversation and the doctor left the room. I had a pounding in my heart and I knew the time had come, her mission was complete. The rest of the day was uneventful, both her grandparents visited and Chris and I spent the evening together with her.

I was awoken by Jersey's doctor at 12:30 am and was lovingly informed Jersey didn't look good and it was time to call Chris. We were incredibly blessed to have Nicole with us, our favorite nurse who took care of Jersey every weekend. We grew to love her dearly and trust her completely. We were so grateful she was there with us and Jersey. Nicole asked if I wanted to hold her now or later. Absolutely NOW! I waited 6 very long weeks to feel her weight in my arms! She was unhooked from the now unnecessary things (cerebral monitor, dialysis, a few lines), given extra pain medication per my request, wrapped like a burrito, and placed in my arms. I finally had her little body in my arms, something I've longed for since she was born. We rocked back and forth like mommies and babies do. Her and I talked about sparkles, twirling, and how much I would miss her. I let her know how proud of her I was and that it was okay for her to go. Her grandparents each held her for a short time. How quickly the hours passed. What a peaceful, spiritual feeling filled her room. It was quiet, calm, and so very sacred. How we cried and what we would give....

We let her doctor know we were ready. She excused our family leaving just Chris and I. All her medication was turned off except her fentanyl and she was extabated. Chris and I watched her tiny heart beat its last few beats. Sacred. Heart wrenching. Peaceful. We cried together over our little soldier, what a battle she fought. I'll never forget those sacred minutes with Chris and I and our sweet angel girl.

Tatum and Tucker were brought up a little later to finally hold the precious baby they had heard and sacrificed so much for. Tucker asked immediately when we could take her home, I wasn't prepared to answer his rightful question. How do you explain to a 3 year old his baby will never come home? How do you help him understand angels? Tatum loved holding her. She ran her fingers through her hair all the while talking softly to her.

It wasn't the worst day of my life, not even close. It was too peaceful, too sacred, too important and pivotal to be considered negative. A day the veil was so thin. A day we witnessed a heavenly exchange from our arms to our Heavenly Father's. We were partners with Heavenly Father in her creation, how lucky we are! What a privilege! How lucky we were to have her for the few weeks we did. They weren't easy but I wouldn't trade them. Her time here is sacred to my heart and how determined I am to live my life worthy of her. I hope she will always be near. I hope she watches over her big sister and brother who very much miss her. I hope she knows how I love her and how I am forever changed.

32 comments:

Nicole said...

Heidi,
This is beautiful. I am crying now as I write this. You are such a wonderful mother and I feel so blessed to have known you. Jersey Girl knows how proud you are of her and she knows how much you and Chris love her. She is your little angel now and forever and will be watching over your family until you see each other again. Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart.

Brittanie said...

Oh Heidi. You are so amazing. I'm so grateful that you are feeling so much peace about this and that you know she is yours forever. I'm so glad you were finally able to hold her. You and Chris are so wonderful to share your experiences with us. Love you..

WishTrish said...

Beautiful, Heidi. What a privilege you've been given. Hard though it was, I know you wouldn't trade the experience for anything. Love and hugs.

Hautemama said...

"It wasn't the worst day of my life, not even close."

Beautifully written. I'm so glad that you are at peace in this difficult time. God bless you and your family.

Nichols Family said...

Thanks for sharing this Heidi. It's awesome that you and Chris don't mind letting us in on such a personal time in your life. See you soon.
Love,
Jennie

PamJorg said...

Thanks Heidi! I'm grateful you let us glimpse into this sacred part of your life.

Amanda said...

Your comments and feelings are so far beyond this life's understanding! I am so happy to hear that your last hours with her were so Heavenly. Chris, it was amazing and awesome to hear your thoughts. It was a side of you I have never seen but always knew you had. You two are amazing and I am so blessed to be your friend. We are here when you need us.

Tanner, Avery, Benson, and Bela said...

What a beautiful, beautiful post. No one can keep back the tears reading this, but what is amazing is how inspring and positive you have seen this experience, and it is touching and changing an incredible amount of people. I feel so honored to be close to you guys during this and to have been able to hear Tanner recount Chris' words from their night together last night. We both layed in bed last night speechless and crying because of the spirit that Tanner felt from Chris and I felt from him. What an incredible journey you have been down the last couple of months and what a perfect, beautiful transition she was able to make into Heaven. I can only imagine what you experienced and felt during those hours, and it is a testimony to all of us that heaven is so near. Thank you for sharing so much of it. We can't wait to share in the celebration of her life with you tomorrow.. praying for you..
Avery

lundgrenville said...

Sweet Heidi-
Its hard to hold back the tears as the spirit fills the room while reading your journey of your last moments with that sweet little Jersey...I can only imagine the spirit that was present as the veil was so thin as she returned to her Heavenly Father...
I echo your sentiments in saying "It wasnt the worst day of my life, not even close" Surely the pain of losing a child will always remain...but the feeling of the savior wrapping his arms around you and your child and then taking her home will always remain in your heart...Never forget those moments.
Thank you for sharing such intimate details of her passing...your thoughts have touched the lives of many including my own.
Surely, I will be holding my children a little tighter...kissing their cheeks a little longer and loving them more than ever.
Our prayers and thoughts are with you...
Hugs

Chelsea said...

As hard as that was to read, it was so beautifully written. What a strong Mama you are Heidi, really. It's so amazing that you could see it for what it really was, and all the positives around it. That takes a very special person.

Bunch of Brooks' said...

Heidi- I am so sorry for your loss and all that you've had to go through these last few weeks. As your visiting teacher, I have felt like I have become closer to you and your testimony of the gospel. Thank you for sharing your feelings so eloquently so that I and others can learn through you and your experience. If there is ANYTHING I can do to help you in the upcoming days, weeks, months, etc. please let me know. I will definitely be checking up on you!! Take care.

Mandi said...

What a thing it is that in the very moment your heart is broken over your sweetest little girl, you are speaking words of comfort to the rest of us who so desperately wish we could be there to comfort and speak peace to you. I have read this entry many time and each time I have shed tears and have felt so many emotions for you and your family. I want to say I'm sorry that you had to go through this, but as you have said there is nothing negative to be had about it. Now all I can think to say is that I feel very sad. These are the times that change not only the ones personally touched, but it changes the lives of everyone around you. Thank you for letting us be a small part in this heart wrenching journey. I love you and your family.

Morris Mama said...

Thank you so much for sharing that with us. Beautifully put! We are so sad for you and Chris, our hearts are aching. It gives us great peace to know that sweet Jersey is yours forever. Your family getting to reunite with her again will be a wonderful event to look forward to. Monkey hair and all!

Kim said...

Heid,
Yours could be called a broken heart full of joy. I am so grateful you are able to feel the tender mercies of a loving Father in Heaven who knows what you need the moment you need it.
Sweet Jersey will forever be a part of our hearts. She fought a good fight and won.

Heather said...

Oh sweet Heidi. I love you. I am sad for you but still rejoicing with you in Jersey's life. She did well and so will you and Chris.

The Stanfield Life said...

I write this with a broken heart & tear filled eyes. I am so sad for your loss. There aren’t words that could be expressed to show you my love for you, & for little Jersey.

Wow, what a great angel you have looking over you. She is safe at Home now watching over you. I know you feel her little spirit around you… you always will.

My heart breaks that I can’t be there to give you both the biggest hug. Just know I am praying for you every minute of the day.

With much love- Sadie

Kate said...

I love you guys and admire your faith and courage at this testimony building time. We are continuously praying for you and your family.

Alisa Larson said...

Such inspiring words.I don't really know what to say, other than I'm so, so sorry you have to go through this. Thanks for sharing something so special and allowing us all to feel peace in her passing.

Sonia said...

Heidi and Chris, words cannot adequately express how I have felt reading both of your thoughts on this Heavenly experience. I shed so many tears reading your thoughts as I felt the spirit in it all. You will still feel Jersey. I know our Heavenly Father will show you he is ever mindful of you. I cannot even begin to imagine the spirit that filled Jersey's room as her spirit left our world into the heavens. What a feeling!!!!! I love you both so much and admire you for the strength emotionally and spiritually that you have had. This experience is preparing you for Godhood. I love love you.

Stacy said...

I'm not sure if you know me but you know my family... I just wanted to say thank you for allowing us all to be a part of this spiritual experience that your family has endured. You can feel the spirit so strongly through yours and Chris's words. It reaffirms the purpose of life and its eternal perspective. Your angel will always be with you. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers. Stacy Tawzer Randall

Rachel and Gavin said...

Wow, that was beautiful. All these posts are just amazing. You are definately strong. I'm so glad you got to hold your little angel. She is so precious and so innocent and perfect. What a blessing it is to know that she is in a much better place, waiting for you there. What an amazing plan this gospel holds in store for us. You guys are amazing, and I want you to know that you have been in our prayers.

The McKnights said...

I have tears pouring down my face. That was beautiful. I can barely see the keys as I'm writing, as my eyes are filled with tears so forgive me if my spelling is horrible. You have been such a rock through all of this. So strong. So amazing. I am in awe. You and Chris lead such an example to all of us. What you have experienced and shared with all of us and especially how you have dealt with it and how you look at the situation is simply amazing. You have put alot into perspective for me that I have never thought about before. I truly admire your family's example and though I never had the chance to meet Jersey, I feel like I know her through everything I have read and followed through her short journey here on earth. She will not be forgotten. She is yours forever. You are so lucky to know that.

The McKnights said...

I have tears pouring down my face. That was beautiful. I can barely see the keys as I'm writing, as my eyes are filled with tears so forgive me if my spelling is horrible. You have been such a rock through all of this. So strong. So amazing. I am in awe. You and Chris lead such an example to all of us. What you have experienced and shared with all of us and especially how you have dealt with it and how you look at the situation is simply amazing. You have put alot into perspective for me that I have never thought about before. I truly admire your family's example and though I never had the chance to meet Jersey, I feel like I know her through everything I have read and followed through her short journey here on earth. She will not be forgotten. She is yours forever. You are so lucky to know that.

marcee said...

Heidi, thank you, thank you for being so amazing, so strong, and so completely understanding of Heavenly Father's plan for your sweet angel. You have chosen to turn to our Father instead of away from Him in your pain and you will touch so many people because of your faith. Isn't it amazing how something so heartwrenching can be such a beautiful experience if we allow Heavenly Father in? I love you, Heidi, and I will continue to pray for you and your amazing family.

harmon family said...

You are such an amazing family. What an honor to be given one of God's most special angels. I hope and pray that your family will be comforted through this time. Thanks for sharing this with everyone. It is amazing how strong the spirit is with you.

Jennifer Olson Brown said...

What a beautiful tribute to such a shining star! Her light will be felt in our hearts as we remember this sweet little girl! Thank you for sharing your heart with us! It lifts us up and makes us feel so much closer to heaven and to Jersey!

Scott and Nicole said...

Heidi, thank you for sharing the sweet moments with your daughter. Although I never was able to meet her, she has touch my life and even the life of my family. My daughter Mikayla wants to say, she is sorry and sad for you. She is 9 and had a tear for Jersey girl. Heidi if there is anything you need, we are here for you.
Love, the Pickles Family.

Renae said...

Heidi,
Everyone has already said so much of what I feel. Thanks to you & Chris for sharing Jersey with all of your friends far and near. We are all able to feel of Jersey because you shared your inner most thoughts and feelings on your blog. I feel privileged to have been let in on the journey. I know that the time ahead is going to continue to be difficult, but I am grateful that you have so many pictures, written words, and beautiful keepsakes of your daughter. The funeral was simply beautiful. It was truly lovely and so very fitting. My life is so enriched by being able to be there to honor her. Jersey truly has left a legacy for the rest of us to try to be better so that not only can your family be together forever, but that each of our families can be as well. I can't wait to meet your sweet angel in heaven.
With love and peace, Renae

Jamie Y said...

That was so touching to read, Heidi. The funeral was also so beautiful (loved the pink!). I came with my heart heavy, but when it was over I felt so uplifted and inspired. I had to smile at the comment you left on Angie's blog when you said something along the lines of "what the devil was I thinking when I raised my hand in heaven and signed up for these trials". I have no doubt you knew exactly what you were doing because you knew that you would be capable of loving little Jersey so much that you would be willing to let her go. You have an amazing family, we love you guys!

Karrin said...

I'm sure we all feel this way, but the sharing that you have done throughout Jersey's precious life has uplifted and inspired. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your time with Jersey girl with us.
Love,
Karrin

The Kemptons said...

That was so beautiful.Heidi you are such a strength and so is Chris. There is a reason you were her mother, it is because of the goodness and righteous attributes that you share with outhers, that this sweet and most perfect little girl was yours. How I have learned from you. You will always be such a great example of faith and hope to me. I love you guys. Chris did a wonderful job on Monday. I cried and felt of the spirit of his testimony. You both are such wonderful parents.

Dave and Autumn said...

Heidi -

My wife just told me the sad news about your beautiful third child. I was so sad when I read your posts. You guys are taking this trial so well. I can't even imagine what you must be going through, It takes a strong family to weather this storm. The Lord must trust you so much to allow such a special spirit to be a part of your family.

If there is anything my family and I can do to help out please let me know.

I know it is a cliche but we would like to help if we can.

Sincerely
The David Prince Family