Sunday, December 6, 2009

It's a Happy Birthday

It's true, today is my birthday and I'm getting old! As I laid in my warm bed enjoying the late morning hour my thoughts drifted to my last birthday.

Jersey had had her big surgery 3 days before and was so very critical. I didn't realize my birthday was even approaching until a couple days before. Not that birthdays as adults are anything fabulous but it's still your day. I spent the night the evening before so I could wake up to her, it hurt every time I looked at her. I needed to leave the hospital by 10:30 to make it home in time to shower. As I put our very junky car into reverse nothing happened. I tried again and again but it wouldn't budge. I remember sitting there and crying not knowing what to do. So I prayed and it went into gear. I cried some more.

When I got home our friends were there putting up our Christmas lights, I still appreciate that. Chris could hardly muster up a smile for me, and me for him. He gave me a half hug and mumbled something about getting me something and then loosing it, or maybe he put it in his drawer but would have to check. I can't blame him, it was such a bleak time. I felt the way he did. I can't seem to find words for the way I felt back then. Desperate, on the brink of a breakdown, anxious, hysterical in my mind...they don't seem to fully convey those days.

I sat pumping and my friend stopped by just to drop off something. She doesn't live close so to just drop something off was a sacrifice. She gave me a Willow Tree angel holding/hugging a heart and 3 boxes of Hot Tamales, my favorite. I kept the hot tamales by my night stand and every time I'd pump while I was home I'd eat them.

My friends were taking me to lunch. I had NOTHING to wear, nothing fit and I believe in looking good when it's your day. I stood in my closet and cried, my spanx held in only so much. :) We met at my neighbors house, I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to smile and chit-chat about meaningless things when my princess was teetering between life and death. I felt an enormous weight on my shoulders that was too heavy to produce a sincere smile. There were lots of hugs and sweet, heart felt gifts. I loved everything given to me that day but there was really only one thing I wanted. Looking back, I appreciate that lunch more today than I did while I ate it. They were rescuing me, rallying around me, showing me they really did love me. I must have been a downer, I must have seemed unappreciative, I hope in the moment they didn't see through me.

My mom watched the blondies all day that day. I was glad they were gone, I couldn't deal with everything that came with them. I remembering wanting them so near, wanting to be a "normal" family, wanting them to wake me with breakfast in bed and their home made cards.

Brooke cut and colored my hair that night. I planned on getting it done before Jersey came but she came so early and unexpected. I remember Brooke and I only talking about Jersey. She must have known I needed to talk and I'm glad she let me.

What a difference a year makes. If I would've been asked I never would have guessed MY girlie would die. I never would have guessed I could survive everything that came after. I never would have guessed I would be where I'm at, more grateful, more humbled, and more thankful for everything I have been blessed with. I'm grateful for the "normal" birthday I'm having. Chris has felt bad about my day last year and has more than made up for it this year. He's a trooper for putting up with me! :) So, happy birthday to me because this year it IS happy!


Heather said...

Happy Birthday Heidi! I so wish I could see you tonight and give you a huge warm hug in person and get to talk with you about all that life has served up. You are a beautiful strong woman and I am so glad to know you and am grateful for the hardships that have strengthened us both. Our kids have taught us so much in their short little lives and think of all they will have to share with us when we get to be with them again. Love you friend. I hope you have a wonderful day.

Nichols Family said...

I loved the pictures of Tucker playing T-ball! Soooo funny!

Have a GREAT birthday today!


Bunch of Brooks' said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEIDI...I hope you REALLY do have a "happy" birthday... you definitely deserve some pampering today!!

Andie's Mommy said...

You give me sooo much courage and strength when I read your posts. I remember after Andie passed, one of my neighbors came over and said something to make me laugh and I stopped and said Im not supposed to be laughing now. Its so hard to know how or what your feeling or supposed to feeling. I still go through it. You are very strong and help me sooo much. I love you dearly, and wish we lived closer. Please have a happy day You deserve it!!!!!!!!

Crystal said...

Have a happy day, girlie.

Morris Mama said...

Yay! So happy to hear you had a good birthday! You deserve it! Thanks for sharing.


Mindi D said...

So sweet. I love to read your thoughts. Thanks for sharing :) I'm so glad it was a happy day, you deserve it! I only wish i was near to take you to lunch, or starbucks! Birthdays are special, it's my favorite day of the year, just ask my family :) :)

Heidi said...

Happy Birthday to You!

Deana said...

Happy Birthday Heidi! If anyone deserves to be happy its you! I hope you have a very very very good day!!

Evie's Story said...

Hope you felt so celebrated and loved dear one!

The G Fam said...

Happy belated birthday!!!! I know the feelings, of looking back. The sad part when I had Lilly and Ryker, was that pretty much none of my friends were married, so nor did they have kids, and I think it was just hard to know what to say, what to do to make me happy. Not that I even could have been happy really, since there was just such a constant worry. But, I have tried when there are family and friends with really sick kids to do nice things, to be that person that I needed. You are such a remarkable person, and I love reading your words, feeling of your spirit and just your honest heart felt thoughts.
Heart hugs,