A Visit

At Tatum's request we visited Jersey today for the first time. The cemetery was quiet, peaceful, empty. I hated to see Jersey's grave as one of the two fresh graves. Tucker wanted to un-bury her to see her "fluffy pink box". She has yet to receive her headstone, all in good time.

Tatum wanted to share her cheese crisp with her sister. Tatum would take a bite and then offer Jersey one. It was sweet. Sad. Unfair.

We brought pink tulips with us. Tucker giving her his flowers.

Tatum sharing hers. Three for Jersey, one for Tatum.

Pink, her favorite.

Tatum was feeling sad and cheated, perhaps we both were.

We didn't plan it but her shirt is quite appropriate for the occasion.

Jersey's Viewing

We got our viewing pictures back this weekend and they also turned out amazing. Because I'm feeling protective of her I was quite conservative in selecting which photos to broadcast. Here's a few of our moments:

Her darling pink, fluffy casket; this picture doesn't show the sparkles.

She's quite the princess and one bracelet simply would not do. The bracelet on the left matches mine and Tatum's. The one on the right was given to her by her Grandma. A girl can never have to many pretties!

We match.
A Daddy and his daughters.

Our family of 5.

Tatum adoring.

These are the cute labels her messages were written on and then sent to her in Heaven on the white balloons.

Tatum enjoying monkey hair.

The final good bye.

One last kiss.

Birthday Boy #4

Tucker Sam turned 4!! Here's looking back.

Brand new.

Easter, 2006. 1 yr. old

July 2007 2 yrs. old.

July 2008 3 yrs. old.

January 2009, the big 4

Tucker is such a funny dude, sometimes the only way to describe him is...Tucker. He loves:

* bike riding

* baseball

* the Sun Devils

* green

* pizza (Barro's)

* army dudes

* Daddy

* Star Wars

* Joy School

He's a stinky, active, cuddly little guy. He's an animal on his bike and can throw a punch like a pro. He enjoys doing service and burping. He loves his Daddy and wants to grow up and play baseball, not go on a mission (his words, not mine). We're working on sharing, fit throwing, and bed making. He's smart, happy, and how we love him!

Jersey's Special Day

We got our pictures back post funeral. Here's our day:

Jersey's sign in book.

Her darling program.

Her Daddy was the sole pallbearer.

Us watching as she is driven to the cemetery. I like how Tucker is waving.

Follow the sign.

Again her Daddy, our baby.

At the conclusion of the dedication of her grave.

Tucker, Tatum, and I set our balloons to sail before the group. It wasn't coincidence these 3 balloons stuck together until they were out of sight.

Watching our letters reach the heavens.

Watching them sail.

This is one of my favorites. Every balloon had a message for Jersey Girl, I think she read every one!

Tatum, Jersey, and I had matching pink and white bracelets with a silver heart engraved with Twirl.

Dear sweet Tatum... she rarely left Jersey's side.

Some of our favorite nurses made the treck.

Tuck...being...Tuck.




Tatum darling as ever!!

Us five.

It was a beautiful day, there's nothing we would have done differently. We were lucky to have Jersey, if only for 6 weeks.

Two Weeks Down, A Lifetime To Go!

Two weeks down, a lifetime to go. Mondays are the anniversary of Jersey earning her wings. The first week was an absolute whirl wind. There was much planning and errands to do; we were so busy we hardly had time to think. Chris and I decided we have funerals to keep our bodies busy and our minds occupied. I'm a planner, I like planning parties better than I like going to them, I never thought I'd be planning my precious daughter's funeral. I hope to never plan one again! I hope I never see a casket that small ever again! And I hope I never forget the desperation and fear followed by peace and amazement!

I was worried about last week, our first week without a funeral to plan and second week without the hospital to drive back and forth to. Without either of those there was a lot of time to fill, to think, to cry. It ended up being a good week. We tried to do fun activities not normally done, we tried to laugh more, and be more patient. Chris and I went on 2 dates, I don't remember our last date. We went out with our new best friends, the Ridgeways, and very much enjoyed ourselves. Keisa and I talked all evening about our angels and our experiences. She has an angel too, unfortunately. It was amazing talking to somebody who just knows, who is more experienced in the sorrow and can promise it really does get better. They have been so good to us, we've felt wrapped in their arms and loved. It's an elite club we share membership in.

Mondays aren't necessarily bad days, how I would love to have Jersey in my arms, not doing so makes me ache, makes me think of the "could have beens". It's also a day of remembering. I'm so afraid to forget. To forget her smell, the touch of her hair, that little tongue, the powerful feeling that filled her room that early Monday morning. It was very obvious she was there in the room with us after she passed, as the morning wore on that amazing feeling left, she had gone and it was time for us to leave. I look back on that morning with awe and wonder.

Tatum continues to be difficult. I don't know how to help her. I try instead of punishing her and enforcing the rules to wrap her in my arms to show her I love her. Her attitude, sass, and things coming out of her little mouth are very taxing. My normally happy, darling little princess has turned grouchy and angry. Her and I have discussed solutions to her melt downs but in the moment she refuses to comply. I know time is healing and hopefully soon I will be able to help her better. Tucker is...well Tucker. He doesn't seem to be as affected and hopefully nothing will arise.

I miss my Jersey Girl fiercely! When I'm at a store or church and I see a baby near Jersey's age I find myself staring, wishing, wondering. I hope I'm not denied the opportunity to raise her. I hope when I see her again I will have made her proud.

Milk Wagon

This is most of my breast milk I'd been saving for my girlie. Not pictured are 2 huge hospital bags full previously given away to our precious friend Bella. Breast milk is liquid gold, it should be considered a sin to waste even one drop. Having said that I was feeling sick about what to do with my abundant supply. I didn't know anybody who needed it, and I didn't want to give it away to just anybody. I preferred a sick baby, preferably a heart baby who could benefit from this precious supply. The nearest milk bank is in Tennessee and that wouldn't work so what to do? A good friend and fellow heart mom asked around for me.

Backing up a few weeks. I was spending precious time with Jersey when a heart mom whom I didn't know walked up to me and wrapped me in her arms. She introduced herself, Molly, and we chatted briefly. She extended her support and understanding.

When asked if Molly knew anybody who needed breast milk she burst into tears. Her little guy Mark only tolerates breast milk and she doesn't make enough and it costs $4 and oz. How happy (and sad because it wasn't going to Jersey) I was to share! If Jersey Girl couldn't use it I'm thrilled Mark, a heart baby, could! It was wonderful giving Molly my abundant supply, I know she appreciates every ounce and won't waste a single drop.

Jersey Ramblings

I've had so many thoughts going through my mind, every time I sit down to record how or what I'm feeling I can't seem to sort through everything. I can't seem to focus enough to make any sense. There's so many weird and contradicting thoughts and emotions.

There's nothing more to say about Jersey's "special day" (as the blondies call it) than perfect. It was a great day, a beautiful day. We cried and laughed and hugged and ached. Jersey looked so good, she looked like a dollie in her long white dress. There were many hard parts of the day but I think the hardest part for me was watching Tatum. She never left Jersey's side. She played with her hair, stroked her cheeks, kissed her, and put her arms around her. She proudly introduced her little sister to friends and family coming to see her. How excited Tatum was to be a big sister, to have her very own baby. She couldn't wait to teach Jersey how to walk and talk and dance. Tatum is such a cute dancer. While Chris was speaking Tatum began sobbing, a deep uncontrollable sob. She had huge alligator tears and it broke my heart. These last several days she's been very hard; very emotional and angry.

I loved that Chris was brave enough to speak at Jersey Girl's funeral. I was sitting there watching him wondering who this new man is, I'd never seen this side of him before. I loved the balloons at the cemetery, what a neat thing to see. Tatum, Tucker, and I wrote our own notes at home and then brought them with us that morning. We let ours go before everybody else, our three balloons sailed together, never separating. Isn't that how we're suppose to be: sailing together through this life during the highs and lows always sticking together? I loved how people so unselfishly served us in ways we don't even realize. I love how much support was given to us on the hardest day we've ever had to face. I love...so many things about that day I'd never change. Planning a funeral is like planning a wedding in 3 days!

While my arms are empty of my baby I waited so long for I can't help but be grateful she has her wings. I was done watching her go through all the crap she did. I was tired of the never ending procedures, the constant sedation, the uncomfortable life she led. How free she must feel. How lucky she is it was only 6 weeks. I'm grateful she's perfect, no machines, no doctors...just heaven.


I feel like the last 6 weeks were just a bad dream. We never brought her home so our home dynamic didn't change. We never saw her in her room or in her cute, pink outfits. We're back to our regular routines... with the memories. When we go out as a family nobody knows our baby is missing, nobody knows we have 3 rugrats. I was asked the dreaded question, "howz the baby?". "Oh she's an angel," I responded because she was and is. "That's nice" was the response. It is nice...it's wonderful.